Oh man, what a treat! I get to see Maverick and the gang playing slow-motion volleyball in front of their hangar! After a bunch of cheesy high-fives, most of em leave, with the notable exception of Mav and Hangman—they put on their shades and saunter into the hangar.
I start walking toward the entrance. Maybe I can get an autograph or something. At least a cool story? (Hope they’re not dicks).
“Hello?” My voice echoes through the wide-open bay. “Mav? Hangman?”
Someone’s making plane noises off to my right, near the back of the expansive hangar: BEEEoorrr…BEEEooorrr…as I head toward the sound, it resolves into Hangman’s voice: “Remember to suck the whole cockpit…”
What the fuck? I freeze in my tracks.
Inside one of the windowed offices, Maverick—blindfolded, kneeling—is opening his mouth as wide as he can. Hangman is circling around him, holding a F-14-shaped dildo in his hand, accompanying it with a bunch of flyby noises.
They’re also naked. With boners.
Hangman locks eyes with me. “HEY!” he shouts.
Maverick rips off his blindfold and stares at me in horror. “Hubbard preserve us!”
As they burst out of the office, I raise both hands in a conciliatory gesture. “Easy guys. As long as you’re not victimizing anyone, I don’t give a damn WHAT your kink is. Times have changed, you know?”
They exchange a glance, then regard me again with panicked expressions. “We’re products of the eighties! No one can see past our phallocentric obsessions!”
“Uh…what does that mean?” I start backing slowly away.
Hangman levels a finger and snarls, “KILL HIM!”
I turn and book it, sprinting as fast as I fucking can. I clear the hangar, run onto the sand, and chance a look back over my shoulder. Christ, they still have boners! Also, this is THEIR territory—they’ve played countless hours of sweaty shirtless volleyball, which means they’re used to the sand and their cardio’s INSANE!
“Gonna fuck your head off your neck and offer it to Xenu!” Maverick screams. “You don’t stand a chance! How many hours of shirtless volleyball have you played in your life??? I’m betting NONE!”
Fuck. FUCK. He’s right. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The scream of twin fighter jets fills my ears. Two birds soar overhead, firing their cannons and riddling the sand with six-foot dildos. I dive onto my belly, covering my ears and opening my mouth as giant penises stab the earth—PHUT-PHUT-PHUT—causing it to erupt with enormous funnels of displaced soil.
Do I need to keep running, or—nope. As I get up and turn around, Mav and Hangman resolve in my sight. They’ve both been impaled by weaponized dildos, propped up by phallic cylinders that run through their torsos and protrude from the ground. Hangman’s out, but Mav is still conscious.
“Muhhh…” He reaches out for me, blood dribbling from the corner of his mouth.
“Uh…” I look in both directions and hiss through my teeth. No one’s around, and I happen to standing in front of a guy who wanted to skullfuck my head clean off my neck. Not sure what to do here, so…
I tiptoe up to him and give him a high-five. “Yeah! Good game! You can be my wingman anytime!”
He reaches out and moans again. “MUUUUHHH…”
“See you around, yeah?” I hightail it out of there, humming the Top Gun anthem at the top of my lungs.
They say never meet your heroes, but I beg to differ—I think it’s okay, as long as you can summon dildo-shooting jets that’ll put ’em in their place.
Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
Have you inadvertently borne witness to the volleyball afterparty? Are you running for your life ’cause Mav is trapped in a straitjacket woven from eighties-derived norms? Never fear! Buy my books and protect yourself with a lethal rain of dildos!
Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization!
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