Yet another weird ad for my novels

It’s been decades since I fell off the wall.  Decades since they tried to put me back together.  Eventually—thanks to cutting edge tech and advances in surgery—they repaired my body, but they couldn’t repair my fractured mind.

That’s right.  I’m Humpty fucking Dumpty.

Coke flies off the stripper’s ass, up the hundo, and into my nose.  Elation follows, but it does nothing to soothe the numbness in my soul.

“Same time tomorrow?”  Crystal shrugs on a robe and adjusts her hair.

“Yeah,” I say woodenly.  “Keep the bill.”

“Thanks babe.”  She gathers her things and walks out the door.

The fates cursed me by making me an egg, but they had to rub it in and break me into a thousand pieces.  Now, I deaden the pain with hookers and blow.  If things don’t end soon, then…

Someone knocks on the door.  “Come in!” I yell.  It creaks open, revealing a weathered face.  “Gordon Ramsay.  To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He taps his nose.  “Still got a little…”

I swipe it off with the back of my hand.  “Thanks.  What do you want?”

He shakes his head in regret.  “I’m sorry, Humpty.  I need that yolk.”  Bobby Flay and Guy Fieri walk up beside him, brandishing a pair of single-edged knives. 

“Et tu, Brutus?”  I raise an eyebrow and give a bitter laugh.  “Guess it’s time for the big reveal:  over the years, I plumbed your mothers’ wombs with my delicate-shelled cock.”  I slide off my bed into a hunched crouch.  “Now come and get some, you LOW-DOWN PIECES OF EGG-CRACKING SHIT!!!”

They scream and charge, raising their wicked instruments of torture.  I dodge and slip, sneaking in punches and kicks, but it’s three armed men against a motherfucking egg. 

So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its hidden reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Kent’s disembodied wiener flies out of a sparkling portal, flipping twice before latching onto my hand.  Knowledge from its glans floods my brain.  Holy shit…after Kent disappeared into a multiversal rift, he spent the rest of his life exploring wondrous realms, imbuing his wiener with godlike powers before he finally died peacefully in the Enchanted Booty Forest. 

I grab the start cord attached to its cybernetic base, and jumpstart the phallus with a big ol’ yank.  RRRRMMM, RRMM-RRMM-RRMM.  Just in time—I parry a slash, sliding up the blade and shoving it into Bobby’s face.  His skull and brains fly every which way, courtesy of my magical jackhammer penis.  Guy’s next; I cut him in two with a backhanded swipe, then—before his legless torso can hit the deck—I thrust the head into his chest, flooding his lungs with blood and causing it to fountain out of his screaming mouth.  Gordon flails and sputters as his eyes are coated in messy gore.  I don’t mind; I grin with savage joy as it plasters my mug.

Ramsay falls on his butt and scoots backwards, hand out in a pleading gesture.  “Humpty, please!”  He turns around and starts crawling away.

“Sorry,” I rasp.  “Someone’s guts are about to get scrambled, and you can bet your ass they won’t be mine.”  I leap forward, scissoring my legs as I superman-punch the three-foot cock into Gordon’s butthole.  The vibrating head destroys his organs, pureeing them into a jet-blast of Gross that pops his eyeballs out while spurting from every orifice in his goddamn body

Scramble ME?  No, scramble YOU, motherfucker!

Are you a sentient egg, hunted by gourmet assholes who want to harvest your innards?  Never fear!  Buy my books, turn the tables, and fuck up their guts with a magical supercock! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #booktok #writer

49 thoughts on “Yet another weird ad for my novels

  1. wow, you been to vegas for the weekend or downtown London…you ever think you ought to change religion so that your negative drivers do not control your down time! Gorden Ramsey with no cookery, i get the add in to swearing, not sure you dying in the magical forest is going to help, maybe you should find a way to lock out your rotationl religious personalities, i am sure unlike my 99% at least 15% of you believes its a virgin! I do often wonder if your brovado is all about your requirement or the lack of investment you personally set into it! you need the love of a good woman with an insatiable mind! let m look at my patient list…ooh you are in luck!😈

    Liked by 1 person

  2. yeh but you will be waiting til the world freezes over as he is scheduled from dusk til dawn! ha ha ha….sorry vamp joke now what was that about sharing my knights body elsewhere my medical mindset can solve that for you! bippity bobbity boo…..i rule you! 17 yrs

    Liked by 1 person

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