What the ball-stank is happening, all you gym bros who slap each other’s skulls, arms, and occasionally ass-cheeks in a super insecure display of shaky heterosexuality, screaming “U-S-A! U-S-A! [hometown high school] football RULES!” then spot for your partner on the ridiculously eighties-style exercise known as the bench press, but your unwashed sack and frenulum begins releasing a foul, evil-cheese stench into the air, contaminating your surroundings with green-mist lines that go way beyond a pungent fart (that’s a microaggression, by the way, so hold it in on elevators and flights goddammit) the bencher starts gagging, thrashing from side to side as skin peels and withers off his skull, baring his lips while a high-pitched scream erupts from his mouth—EEEEEEEEEE—and you begin shouting for help, is anyone here a motherfucking doctor, what the fuck have I done HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SOMEBODY SAVE HIM—
And THAT, my friends, is why you give your nuts some extra scrubbin’! (Yes, ages ago when I used to bench press, I have experienced this perfidy first fucking hand. On that day, my shit list gained another name, written in bold and quadruple underlined). Farm your cheese somewhere else, goddammit!
Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books! First up is my YA fantasy: A Door into Evermoor. If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo! And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them! Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors. Every one of them is SUPER appreciated! #WritingCommunity
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