What the Jaws-themed blowjay is going on, all you bonered-up suck-victims who are transfixed by your partner as they bob up and down and hum DA-dum, sending a thrill of fear racing up your spine before they do it again—DA-dum—holy fuck what is happening right now, DA-dum DA-dum dadumdadumDAAAAAA, now you can’t watch a shark movie without getting hard but you also can’t get a beej without trembling in sheer, unadulterated terror—
Dump their ass, NOW! What kind of monster hums the goddamn Jaws theme while giving you a beej???
Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books! First up is my YA fantasy: A Door into Evermoor. If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo! And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them! Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors. Every one of them is SUPER appreciated! #WritingCommunity
🙂 🙂 😀
The door to evermore is written well, however the story telling is a little choppy. You hop from a stream of consciousness to a world based scenario and it doesn’t transition smoothly, which can leave a reader confused for a millisecond.
(i think the best way to break it up would be to go all terry pratchet and have the asterisks* with the thoughts and leave the main world happenings separated).
Sometimes it get a little too existential and readers have to re-read a paragraph and flip between thinking about the book as a philosophy article and a fictional story.
If you want to leave it that way you should include secondary paragraphs that explain things a little more indepth or more simply to transition the brain. You need thought bridges. Its like riding along one track without bridges over chasms.
Thats my critique just from reading the 1 chapter.
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Remember most readers don’t read or think about philosophy all the time. I do.. which is why I could somewhat follow..but most would get lost instantly.
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I would consider two or three philosophical themes you want to impress upon the reader… then make a book of fiction that embodies that idea. Just one concept. Maybe two.
JRR Tolkien took three books to capture one concept.
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You threw the whole book concept at people in the first two three paragraphs, leave mystery. What is the door to evermore… why does he want to go there… dont give the book concept away at the beginning.
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Feel free to critique the crap out of my stuff. We cant see the holes in what we write ourselves.
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I’d like to emphasize I’m not cranky or put off in my response (when I disagree in text, sometimes people misinterpret the tone). Thanks for the feedback, but I’m not interested in changing anything in the book.
As far as the prologue, that’s the hook, it’s the intro that sets the stage for the three-volume story, which uses the portal template as a springboard into a thematic arc that is based off a mystical interpretation of Alan Watts describing the eternal return. What I’ve written in the beginning is by no means the whole book concept.
As far as the flow or transitions or anything style-related, all that is written to my satisfaction. When I write, I don’t prioritize fame, money, grammar, other’s opinions of how I could make it smoother, or cater to this or that demographic. I prioritize my joy and fulfillment during the process, I write something I would have wanted to have read when I was a little kid under the covers, reading books with a flashlight because they captured my imagination. When I hit publish, I am satisfied that I have expressed myself as best I can at that particular moment, and I am ready to start working on the next story.
Once again, I want to emphasize I’m not irritated by your feedback and I’m not blowing it off, it’s just that I’m coming at writing from a completely different perspective.
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All valid, I guess for me as a reader it didn’t hook me into the story, but I am a pretty hard sell. I have only run across three of four authors I genuinely would re-read for the rest of my life. I hold all books up to those lens. I am a grammar nazi, I care a lot about transitions, etc. etc. I just saw you wanted a review. So I gave it.
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I appreciate the forthrightness! I’m in the same boat as far as some very popular books (I’ve read Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings multiple times, really trying to force myself to get why people like them, but I never took to them. Also Game of Thrones–I forced myself to watch 3 seasons but I couldn’t get into it).
I didn’t even realize you were responding to my ad, lol! 😅 Been writing these silly ads for awhile, so my brain automatically thinks it’s just amazon and goodreads reviews that are connected to it, not chapter by chapter feedback.
Since you said you have a science background, I suspect you’re using the word “valid” in the same context I learned it: within formal logic, or the idea that given a premise is true (also accepting all premises are unprovable without omniscience), then logical conclusions will be true in that context, which is how I learned the word “valid” applies. If that’s the way you’re using it, then I think that’s pretty cool! Years back, I got all into formal logic, because I realized communication was full of fallacy, especially false dichotomies and false equivalencies. Politicians love that stuff!
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Yes I use the word valid in a logic driven context. You made a valid point about your perspective.
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Nice! I wish they taught that concept earlier. I had to wait until college to learn about premises, validity, and truth.
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I didn’t take philosophy in college, I learned about it slowly over the course of years, mostly because I ran into a few over arrogant people who twisted the concepts to suit their purposes. I had to learn about it to breakdown their straw man arguments during my inner thought process so I could move on from their bad premises internally.
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I live within a very rigid moral and ethical framework that guides all my decision making. I can’t relate to or see eye to eye with people who adjust their morals and ethics like shifting sand to suit every scenario.
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Interesting! I was the same when I was younger, but then I came to suspect that it’s a function of self-image. I’ve dealt with plenty of backstabbers, but I don’t think they ever saw themselves that way. I think they just had a shortage mentality and felt that in order to get their piece of the pie, they had to step on other peoples’ necks before the same could be done to them. I don’t think they ever saw themselves as an out-and-out villain.
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I can be an ass, but only after being stepped on for years. Then I draw a firm line in the sand and pummel them. Bullies deserve to get a hard dose of their medicine after a while.
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I agree. I’m careful now, though, to not focus on how shitty they are, if it happens. I try and keep focused on the positive outcome I’m reaching for. That’s just me, though–I used to be very negative and overly vengeful, lol!
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Wait…wait…wait! Was she wearing the shinesty shark underwear on her face??? Then it would be totally appropriate!! 🦈🦈🦈
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If that happened, I’d get in the mood—I would start humming even before she did! 🤣
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I appreciate you.
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Thank you!
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Your inspiration for weirdness never ceases to amaze me. Keep writing!
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Haha! Thangyew very much!
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I would consider it is not a stage script it is a completed works! literally not understanding how or why anyone can consider it choppy! i know i have not read all of your works but i find it is a great pace, the action and narrative is clear expressive and concise! The whole point of personalised fiction whatever the genre as it it set to break the existing norms of worlds and societies to create a personal formation on location, ethics and characters! The key is fiction….. would you take advise from someone off the street on housing and estates no.. 29000, to 29 🥊 too right NBD
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Thank you! I enjoyed writing it, but compared to what I do now, I guess you could say it’s choppy. I’ve gotten a better radar for flow and pace since I wrote Echo.
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I think it’s tempo is perfect for the style of genre it refects, chaos, would not read right if it was slow and flowing, Words like blasts it shows a high level of connection to sensory attention!
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❤️
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You are very well come! tee hee (hands in your hair) down your shoulders giving you a big hug! lol Despite my naughty demeanor i have a masters in lingustics, degree in literature and the sight of a billion other masters from movies to music! Banter my mind and achievements far outway my decision to sit at the bases and carry angels! lol i tend to adopt in the most unusual of places! have you a line of psycopaths i am going to have to kill for your presence in my world? lol seems to be my role! 🔪 🔥 😈🍄
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Hands down my shoulders, then squeezing my ass! Don’t forget–I love being objectified! 🤣
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Passionately fondled, objectified is for those oppertunists, celebrated and used in gratuitous releases across the borders! 😂 while biting your neck 🧛 and examining your pre-presentation while you wait for your marks! lol
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Not the neck–the muscle between my neck and my shoulder. I don’t want to wear turtlenecks to hide the marks! 🤣
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get a turtle tat on your neck and i will suck it! or use my suction on your…..inner thigh! now were is my towel!
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I might lose control and guide any ensuing suction to exactly where I like! 😈
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lol! maybe and i might just tease you off…and make you wait a little! lol………….Cuffs, good series and a tub of mint icecream! tee hee
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Then it’d be my turn to tease you! The right rhythm of squeezes and kisses, and you’d attack my body with your mouth! 😈
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when you are finished and god the back of your hair is so soft ! lol i will remain stoic until you break my threshold! Then i will let you make me writhe…..then my mouth might be activated totake your tongue!😋 🍑
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Marks, 29000027 lol sensual linguistics attention to detail! 10/10……i will just use your inner thigh! lol
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The inner thigh leads to bigger and better–literally! 🤣
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I rule the world what is bigger than that! Seen my marmite blog i am clearing the void! lol you should be clearing your timetable before you miss me! World muse; i want to inspire your sensory climax!
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The bigger the inspiration, the bigger my loads! 🤣
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Well anymore numbers and you will not be able to get that arachnid head of your out of your house to visit! lol x i am inspired to explore the potential of your drive! 🔥 😈🍄 music and twin naughty muse
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