Yet another weird ad for my novels

You may not know it, but I’m now a member of the international phenomenon known as BTS.  Here’s how it happened:

As I’m strolling through town, I walk past a rando alley and glance down its length.  Holy magoobers, is that…

BTS???

I stop in my tracks, mouth agape.  RM gives me a casual nod.  “Hey.  What’s up?”

“Dude!”  I grab my hair, dimly aware I’m about to hyperventilate.  “I fucking love your shit!”

“Thanks man.  We know you from somewhere?”  Jin cocks his head, quizzical.

I walk into the alley and shake his hand.  “My pen name’s Kent Wayne.  My Korean name is – -.  My American name is —- —.”

“YOU’RE Kent Wayne?”  Jimin lifts a crack pipe, blazes up, and takes a hit.  “Zany author and award-winning Man Whore?  Didn’t know you were Korean.  Nice.”

“Korean-American.”

He nods in acknowledgment.  “Damn, you’re a good-looking dude.  You should be one of us.”

“Means a lot, coming from you guys,” I chuckle.  Then my brow crinkles.  “Wait—you speak English?  And you smoke…crack?”

He blows out, then says in a choked voice, “Meth.  Couldn’t you tell?  Everyone says I give off the meth-iest vibe.”

I rub the back of my neck.  “Uh, yeah…you kinda do, now that I think about it.”

“We’re all fluent in English,” TaeHyung explains.  “That broken shit is purely for marketing purposes.  Also, soccer moms love smashing nethers with inarticulate foreigners.”

“You guys like soccer moms???”  My eyes widen again.  “Me too!  I should DEFINITELY be one of you!”

“Show us what you got,” Suga says.

I perform their Dynamite routine, which earns a round of approving nods.  “How long did that take you to learn?” Hobi asks.

“Six months?” I venture nervously, clutching my hands to my chest

They start muttering amongst themselves, then RM shakes his head.  “No way, man.  We can’t have a guy who takes six months to learn a goddamn routine.”

“It’s my big fucking penis!” I wail.  “It’s so hard to dance with it!  It knocks against my knees and messes with my ankles!  Come on guys—PLEASE!”

“WHAT DID RM SAY?”  Methed-out Jimin grabs my lapels, shoves me against the wall, and rakes my face with his red-veined eyes.  “AIN’T GOT TIME FOR YOUR NON-DANCING ASS!”  He slaps me thrice in quick succession:  forehand—PAP!—then a backhand forehand—wh’pap-PAP!

“AGH!”  I clutch my face as the tears start to run.  “You’re supposed to be inclusive!  Now you’re persecuting your big-penised fans?  FUCKERS!”

Jungkook casts a quick look around.  “No cops.  Let’s beat his ass and get the hell out of here.”

As they begin to close in, I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality-distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Suddenly, my wiener bursts out of my pants, snakes up my chest, and ties itself around my neck like a fleshy version of a sweater-around-the-neck. 

“Huh?”  RM pauses, fist cocked.  “I don’t get it.”

Neither do I, to be honest.  I hold my hands up, about to beg for my life, then understanding dawns in his eyes.

“Hey guys,” he looks at his bandmates.  “We’re always pushing boundaries, right?  We could use a new member with a giant, sweater-douche penis.  Also, he’s super muscly, which gives us added variety.”

“I don’t’ know…”  Suga narrows his eyes. 

Jimin shoves the meth-pipe in my face.  “Take a hit—TAKE A HIT, MOTHERFUCKER!”

“Easy there, killer.”  RM pushes him back, helps me to my feet, and dusts off my shoulders.  “So what do you say, Kent Wayne?  Think you can dance with your meat around your shoulders?”

“Yeah!”  My eyes light up.  “And I can sing into the head like it’s a big-ass microphone.”

“One thing at a time, Man Whore, one thing at a time.”  RM pats the air as if to say, slow your roll.  “Now let’s go find us some horned-up soccer moms.”

“Thanks man!”  Tears moisten my cheeks.  “You guys are the best!”

As always, Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

 

Are you on the verge of making a big break, but your beautiful genitals have become a point of contention?  Never fear!  Buy my books and live your dreams!  Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

22 thoughts on “Yet another weird ad for my novels

  1. I have to be honest. I still have no clue what BTS is…not sure that I want to know. Didn’t understand a good 3/4 of it. The only thing I did understand was unprintable. Sorry, Dude, this one should have come with a warning.

    Like

  2. You airing your life cause my husband just sang with them! International kaleidoscope of catches! Shut up and dance…are you moonlighting as a writer after i became queen! Cause i’m about to call; Zeus servicing the car, something about my lotus! lol😂🎶

    Liked by 1 person

      • I am not laughing base ground still running by business and service! I am having to connect in central mediation, its like having species, aphrodite and Julie Andrews driven by guy Fawkes trying to assign you marital requirements! And me just driving through going fuck mediation i am taking it!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Mutual respect and enjoyment in karmic centre where is that good book! 😊lol

        no phone just zeus daughter sat mediating the last six families that tried to take the throne! Sending naughty events to my temperanced out husband!

        Did you receive it! lol💋👌 lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • If you read anything i wrote you would no i am not one to run from a challenge! I am in the celebration centre, It works! … jumping in!… be a test of my habit! Making a habit of not sharing for four decades in deliverance central! Naughty mind masters……you’d be running!😉✨😁

        Liked by 1 person

      • Your not eye level are you, personal way to get your kicks!🙌😂 I prefer my massaging as foreplay!, kissing is my favourite, World scholar, master and savant and i am still back to Neanderthal! You need a house and garden architecting i am your women!

        Liked by 1 person

      • ladies you can keep! i am into adhd, karmic centre releases its great when you find another a malevolent streak that is safe and does not disappear as you play! Ladies first then we can catch you on the otherside! Messes with my master but i fine resetting your religion is a must post releasing them pesky relatives with no self control! A bit like fishing using your religious friends!💋🤣

        Liked by 1 person

      • i obviously need to extend you onto my entourage! if the base ground body of husband had not been kidnapped running around crashing other royal houses as i speak! Wiccan direction of my goddess world and my highest level begging for attention i am fighting for my right to play in the karmic!

        Liked by 1 person

      • You got me at high libido and it works! Proof is in the pudding and i prefer to see it presented! Then you better get your little running shoes! As Pocahontas its me your gonna have to worry about scalping’s! Paras with incubators you might be surprised we don’t get dressed up we just take you out!💋🤣

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s