If I were king for a day, my first edict would be to replace our antiquated toilets. There’s gotta be something that accounts for a wider spray. Very few of you know the agony and ecstasy of possessing a giant dick slit—I’ve hit the water and my thigh at the exact same time.
Which is why I’ve equipped my hog with optics, lights, canted iron sights…the same shit you’d see on an airsoft enthusiast’s Call of Duty pellet-rifle. But despite the latest and greatest marksmanship tech, there’s no getting around my scatter-spray piss. It’s like aiming a goddamn hydrogen bomb.
So as I walk up to the gym’s wall-side urinal (lessens the chance of hitting a bystander, since I’m only adjacent to one other pisser) I carefully align my wiener with the drain, ensuring that the red dot sights are bang on target.
Okay, deep breath…here we go….
Suddenly, my piss arcs high and right, clearing the splash guard and sprinkling the guy one urinal down.
“HEY!” he yells. “MotherFUCKER!”
Crap! I zip up and stumble into the wall, holding both hands out in a gesture that says “Not in the face!” I’ve picked the wrong guy to piss on: he’s a monstrous dude-bro—backwards cap, stringy-strap tank-top where you can see his nipples (gross), and probably named something like Tanner or Hunter or Garrett.
“I’m sorry!” I blurt. “Honest mistake!”
“The fuck it was!” He slaps his roid-reddened face with his barbell-callused hands, like an overly aggressive King Kong analogue. “You are gonna GET it!”
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne book, activating its unmatchable reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A super-hot soccer mom appears behind him, upending a bag full of bagels, rice, and bread onto his head.
“AHH!” he screams. “Carbs…they BURN!!! Mom—what the hell are you doing???”
“Kent Wayne and his beautiful dick-slit are MINE!” she snarls. As Dude-Bro writhes on the floor, she grabs my wiener and pulls me out of the bathroom. “Let’s go, Kent! My vajeen needs to be widened by your girthy womb-hammer!”
“Sorry!” I call back, shooting an awkward grin over my shoulder at Dude-Bro. “I’ll take good care of your mom—promise!”
“No!” he screams, clawing at the hives bursting out across his skin. “Mom—MOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!”
Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
Has your giant dick slit gotten you in trouble yet AGAIN? Never fear! Buy Kent’s books and make a hasty escape! Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization!
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity