Eat some shrooms, beat my meat while enjoying the psychedelic buzz, then watch a little Adventure Time before I snooze. Man, could life get any better?
I bolt up in my futon as Batman storms into my condo, ripping down my Star Wars posters and stomping on my next-gen flesh-light.
“HEY!” I yell. “WHAT THE FUCK???”
“I did it, Kent!” He marches up to me, grabs me by the neck, and shoves me up against the wall. “They fucking LOVE me now!”
I clutch his gauntleted fingers, struggling to form words. “You’re still…a hundred-year old…pedo…vampire…”
“FUCK YOU!” He squeezes harder, causing me to gag. Black walls form on the edge of my sight, closing in with inevitable certainty.
This it—in another second, I’m gonna pass out.
Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne book, activating its unmatchable reality-distortion powers. Magic flash.
Batman stumbles back, blinded by the burst of multicolored light. “What the fuck?” he sputters. “What did you—”
I reach into my pants, grab some goo off my nuts, and smear it across his half-exposed face. “SMEGMA SURPRISE, BITCH!”
“AHGODNO!” He fumbles with his cowl. “MY SKIN IS MELTING, AND I’M…PREGNANT?”
“ ’s what you get, dickbag.” I cross my arms and boom out laughter. “Kent Wayne’s smegma is nothing to laugh at. Go get you some reconstructive surgery, and maybe learn some Lamaze for when my unholy child claws its way out of your death-ravaged anus.”
As Batman runs out the door, swearing he’ll be back, I follow him outside and give him the double middle-finger.
Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
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