Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical



“Sup, Temporal Lobe?  Everything good?  Cerebellum?  Occipital?  Parietal?”

“I’m fine Frontal Lobe—thanks for asking.”

“All good on my end.”

“Doing A-OK.”

“All right.  Whew.”  I take a breath and relax.  “It’s just that—”

“We know, we know,” Precentral Gyrus says irritably.  “The Prophecy.  You’ve been moaning about it for years.”

“Well exc-yoose ME!” I snap.  “It isn’t my fault that Brain Stem foretold a hostile takeover!”

“We’ve been together for over a decade,” Gyrus responds.  “There’s no way that—”


Wait—what?  “Unstoppable presence?”  What the fuck does that even mea—

“It’s his wiener!” Brain Stem shouts.  “HE JUST HIT PUBERTY!  IT’S TAKING OVER!!!”

A deluge of hormones washes over us, stealing our cognitive strength and sending us into a frenzied spin.  Wiener’s shutting down our capabilities and redirecting them toward its own foul ends!

Unless we do something, we are FUCKED!

So I reach deep into our memory, tapping the essence of a story called Kor’Thank and activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Our cognitive controls come back online.  Wiener immediately falls asleep.

“Holy shit,” Parietal Lobe pants.  “That thing is STRONG.” 

“It’s too strong,” I mutter fearfully.  “Like a Godzilla-sized honey badger.”

“And it’s HUGE.”  Cerebellum gapes in awe.  “It’s coiled around his ankle!”

“Thank fuck we were able to stop it.”  I take a deep, calming breath.  “Thank FUCK.”

And then I break into sobs.

Because it’s only a matter of time before it happens again.



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