Just won the lottery! Woohoo!
Gonna donate to charity, start a foundation for renewable energy, gonna—
ONE YEAR LATER…
Ugh…must have jerked it at least six or seven times and it’s not even noon…
You’d think with millions of dollars, I’d be knee-deep in women and questionable substances, but I’m a basic simpleton at heart—I’ve spent money on OnlyFans, pizzas from various restaurants with all manner of topping and crust, AAAaaand…
An army of gold robots.
Ahhh…this is the life. Infinite pizza, copious porn, and an arena-style robo-duel whenever I want. Never thought I’d say this, but I think I’m goo—
Oh shit—it’s Elon Musk!
“WHERE ARE YOU WAYNE???” I can hear him tearing around outside, destroying my compound with the armaments built into his Mars-capable exosuit. “NO ONE BUILDS AN ARMY OF GOLD ROBOTS WITHOUT MY SAY-SO! YOU HEAR ME??? NO ONE!!!”
Fuck this asshole! I’ve dreamt of a gold robot army since goddamn middle school! Ain’t no way he’s gonna—
I rush outside and survey my yard. My jaw drops in horror.
He’s destroyed my robots. Every single one.
“YOU’RE NEXT, WAYNE!” He levels a gatling-laser arm right at my face. Light spills from its barrels as it spins into a blur.
Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My pork sword unwinds from around my ankle and rips through my pants, shearing through Elon’s directed-energy barrage. It’s magic-limned glans swell with power as weaponized force blast off its surface. Under normal circumstances, I’d be reduced to a smoking ember. But this is anything but normal—I’ve been imbued with otherworldly voltage.
I run toward the billionaire, slipping through dimensions thanks to my quantum-charged body.
“WAIT…WHA—” Elon staggers and stumbles, holding onto his cock-sliced belly.
I rise from my crouch, a dozen yards past him, holding my wiener like a motherfucking samurai sword.
Wait for it…wait for it…
“Damn you Kent Waaaayyy…”
He collapses in place, a bloody corpse inside a metallic husk.
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
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