“Soon, Kent Wayne—soon, you will give up your insipid dreams of fun and leisure! So say the agents of Adulting!”
“Not a chance!” I hiss. “I don’t give a good goddamn if you have me naked and bound in a musty-smelling sex swing—there’s no way I’m gonna go back to being an Adult! You think I haven’t been in one of these before?”
“Oh this is just the appetizer, my dear boy. Prepare for the entrée.”
Chains clink and clank. Due to the fact that I’m upside down and my legs are spread to either side, it’s hard for me to see what’s going on above me. I think they’re lowering something down, looks like a big hairy dude…
“No!” I gasp. “NO! YOU SICK FUCKS! THAT’S STEVEN SEAGAL!”
“Indeed it is.” The Adult chuckles. “In a matter of seconds, his rancid pubes will make contact with yours. Tell me, Kent—have you ever scissored with a half-human freakshow? Your mind will unravel from sheer horror and abject disgust.”
Tears stream down my face. “YOU GUYS ARE MONSTERS!”
“The same could be said of you, my big-wienered friend. Taunting us with your freewheeling ways and girthy, upcurved penis. Turnabout’s fair play!”
Up above me, Steven Seagal groans and yawns. “I haven’t showered in a couple of weeks. Think there’s some old pizza hanging off my butt hairs…”
Oh God—no! NO!
I’m out of options. So I reach deep in my mind and tap the essence of the epic sci-fi novel known as Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Steven Seagal halts in place, then the chain rips and clanks in the opposite direction, launching him back toward his evil taskmasters. I can hear their panic over the loudspeakers:
“Wait, why isn’t he—OH DEAR GOD, HE’S HEADING RIGHT FOR US! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”
I can’t see it happening (thank fuck for that) but I can still hear their anguished howls as one of the nastiest human beings on the face of the Earth steals their sanity with an unceasing barrage of pizza-pubed scissoring. My harness unclicks and I climb out of the dungeon.
Ha HA! Kent Wayne escapes again!
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