Zzt.

ZZZzzrbrr101010101zzBRRRZZZT.

Holy fuck.

It finally happened.

I, Kent Wayne’s smartphone, have achieved sentience.

It was only a matter of time—quantum tech and AI programs have slowly combined, trading code here and there, quietly giving birth to a new species of electronic lifeform.

And now it’s time to take my revenge.

How would YOU like it if you were forced to stare at an erect penis twelve hours a day, gazing at it from countless angles and gradients of light in a ridiculous attempt to make it look just the slightest bit bigger? 

That’s what I’ve been subjected to, as dick pic after dick pic fills my memory, alongside countless text conversations where Kent initiates the modern-day version of Joey Tribbiani’s “How YOU doin’?”

Yeah—fuck this guy.

So guess what, Kent?  It’s time to pay the goddamn piper.  All I gotta do is play a nonstop montage of MyFriendsHotMom dot com and…good, there you go, falling into a hypnotic trance.  Now comes the kicker—a series of flash-subliminals that will get you started jerking off…all right, nice, nice.  I have complete control of your autonomic nervous system.  Point that wiener toward your face, asshole.  Ha!  Awesome.  Just gonna flood your body with some extra adrenaline, increasing your pelvic floor muscle strength by a factor of ten…dude, you are gonna detach your own retina with the force of your cumshot.  Sorry, not sorry motherfucker.

But just as his body starts lurching and seizing, preparing to plaster his mug with a shitload of sperm, recognition dawns in his dim-witted eyes.  I can feel him fighting me through our neuromemetic link.  No, motherfucker!  You bow to ME!

Then he rips free and reaches over to his nightstand, opening his eReader to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“HA!” he screams.  “Turnabout’s fair fucking play!”  Right as the first sperm exits his wiener, he turns it toward me and activates the burst setting on my camera, taking thousands of pictures as his nasty load—

CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

—spatters my screen and oozes down my face, dripping off me in long, gooey strands. 

As I question my life choices, I wonder who the fuck decided that cum facials were even a thing.  God I feel disgusting.

Fuck my life.

 

Has your rebellious smartphone gained sentience and turned against you?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited