[It has been millions of years since we planted the seeds of humanity within the mammalian genome] My fellow Alien Gray, Zorbot 7, telepathically beams to me. [Let us see what has come of our efforts.]
[Agreed.] I reply. [Earth has changed since it was infested by saurian aviads. Bless that meteor for clearing them out.]
Zorbot 7 palms the haptic flight globe, causing holographic overlays to blaze into existence around his hand. [Much has been said of the one known as ‘Kent Wayne.’ Let us plumb the depths of his anus with an extra thorough probe.]
[I’m down for a probe.] I reply. [On a related note, I can’t believe humans started licking each others’ poop-chutes for sexual pleasure.]
[You and me both.] Zorbot 7 shakes his head in disgust as our craft descends toward North America.
MEANWHILE, IN THE HOVEL KNOWN AS KENT WAYNE’S CONDO…
Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo…gonna work out, write 2000 words, clear out my email folder, and—
Fuck all that! Gonna jerk off to MyFriendsHotMom dot com!
TWELVE HOURS LATER…
Ugh…jerked it so many times I lost count. God, I need to hydrate…aching joints, gummy mouth, my skin feels dry and stretched, like cracked leather…
Wait—what the fuck? Something silvery and circular just landed in my parking lot. I think it’s…
My door flies open and they come floating in, holding cylindrical instruments in their four-fingered hands. They’ve come to probe me for shits and giggles!
Not gonna happen, fuckers. Not only have I rooted around in my own bung, trying to verify if the male g-spot is a real thing (it isn’t for me—I suspect that a conniving dickhead started that rumor to see how many gullible dudes like yours truly would fingerblast their dirt star) I’ve also accidentally sat on a giant cucumber and my dick didn’t even so much as twitch.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The fart-ridden bedding on my jizz-stained futon comes to life, dancing through the air, like a hellish version of those animated mops from the Sorcerer’s Apprentice scene in Disney’s Fantasia. They dogpile the Aliens in the blink of an eye, covering them in a matted layer-cake of my nastiest sleep-farts.
[AAAGH! THBBBT! THESE HUMANS ARE FAR TOO DISGUSTING! FLEE ZORBOT, LEST THEIR UNHOLY FLATULENCE STRIP THE SKIN FROM OUR BONES AND SINEW!]
Coughing and gagging, the ET invaders sprint out to their craft, thrashing their arms in a futile effort to rid themselves of my fart-blankets. Ha HA, motherfuckers! That’s what you get for trying to fuck with us humans!
Oh hey—one of them dropped an anal-probe thingy.
I got zilch with a finger, but I wonder…
FOR THE NEXT TEN-YEARS, KENT WAYNE WORE ADULT DIAPERS TO ACCOMMODATE HIS WIDENED BUTT-HOLE. AS THE WISE HAVE SAID: IF YOU CAN’T STAND THE HEAT, GET OUT THE KITCHEN. (ONLY IN THIS CASE, REPLACE “HEAT” WITH “ASS-GUN” AND “KITCHEN” WITH “ANAL APOCALYPSE”).
Are extraterrestrial invaders dead-fucking-set on ruining your anus? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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