Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

My mortal enemy, Grammar Nazi Prime, has caught me unawares and locked a chastity belt around my wiener.  I grew increasingly desperate as I navigated his sinister game, solving riddle after riddle, inching agonizingly closer to unlocking the belt.  All the while, sperm in my balls bubbled and boiled, clashing and frothing as my horniness increased by orders of magnitude.  I’ve been walking around like a meth’d-up Hulk—twitchy and irritable, veins bulging from my neck, forehead, and even my eyeballs.

But now, finally, miracle upon miracles, I’ve solved the last of his riddles! 

The chastity belt snaps open, freeing my wiener from its metal confines.  Gotta jerk off and relieve the intra-testicular pressure.  The only problem is I’m driving right now and—

Fuck it—I DESERVE this, goddammit!

I slip off my shorts and shake hands with the milkman, working the shaft with my right hand and cradling my balls with my left.  How am I steering, you ask?  With my TEETH, motherfucker!  HEH heh heh!

I swerve between cars, glorying in the thrill of high-speed traffic while beating my meat like there’s no tomorrow.  Suddenly, I hear the blare of a truck horn.  Metal crumples, the world goes white–

…….

…………….

Huh?  I look around, dazed and confused.  Think I’m in a waiting room—halogen lighting, plastic chairs…

“Hello, Kent.”

My eyes focus on the glass-barred pass-through at the end of the office.  Sitting behind it, where there would typically be a receptionist, is an extremely handsome man in a sharp black suit with a blazing red tie and a matching pocket kerchief.  He’s leaning back in an office chair, hands pillowed behind his head, feet crossed at the ankles and kicked up on the counter.

Uh-oh.  Pretty sure I know what this is.

He gives me a sinister smile.  “Yep, this is exactly what you think.  There’s no way Saint Peter’s gonna let you through the Pearly Gates—playing five-on-one while driving with your teeth doesn’t go over with my winged brethren.”

“Hold on.”  I rise to my feet, hand out in a cautionary gesture.  “Let’s talk about this.  We can make a deal.  We can—”

“Deal?”  He throws his head back and laughs.  “Only deal I’m interested in is with a living being—they can promise me their soul.  But that’s not the case with you, Kent–I HAVE your soul.”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Time freezes.  A telepathic voice booms through my mind.  [KENT.]

“Um…yes?”  I flinch involuntarily and look around.

[I’M GIVING YOU A PASS—YOU STILL NEED TO WRITE SOME DAMN GOOD BOOKS.  BUT NO MORE MASTURBATING WHILE DRIVING ON THE INTERSTATE.  YOU NEED TWO HANDS TO STEER THE WHEEL.]

“How about if I steer with one hand, jerk it with the other?  I won’t cradle the balls—I promise.”

There’s a long, weighted silence.

Then:  [YOU ARE DISGUSTING.]

I smile cautiously.  “Does that mean yes?”

A heavy sigh echoes through my brain.  [FINE.  YES.  I’M SENDING YOU BACK.  REMEMBER:  STICK TO WRITING.]

My surroundings warp into a color-whorled smear.  As I rocket back into physical existence, Lucifer’s howl chases me across the interdimensional bleed. 

Too bad, asshole—Kent Wayne escapes again!

(And retains his ability to beat it in traffic!  Ha HA!)

😀

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