Been a long time since I punched a clock. I love my freewheeling existence—no alarms, bosses, or tepid, soulless smiles that conceal my horror at spending half my waking hours in a dream-killing cubicle…
Yes indeed—this is the life.
After I jerk it for the twenty-third time (twenty-fourth, maybe? Hard to keep track these days) I form a pillow with my hands and relax into bed, smiling broadly up at the ceiling.
Peace beyond measure washes through me. I escaped the clutches of the Adulting Syndicate. Those who would make me worship a corporate god, shuffling papers and plinking keys until—
Something crashes through my window, clacking loudly against the hardwood. I bolt up in bed, glimpsing a gray metal canister rolling across the deck, trailed by a cloud of thick white smoke. What the hell is—
“FUCK YOU, KENT!” A booted foot kicks the door in. Dozens of gas-masked figures swarm through my condo, dogpiling me before I can react. “YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE OUR CLUTCHES? NO ONE ESCAPES THE ADULTING SYNDICATE!!!”
They hold me down, covering my mouth as I try to scream. “Mff! MFF!” Two of them hook a laptop into my TV, setting up a powerpoint presentation with the jaw-dropping speed of a NASCAR pit team.
Slide after slide flashes across the monitor, detailing core competencies, customer-centric sweet spots, and paradigm-shifting disruptions. Vomit bubbles from the edges of my lips. My mind is giving way, slowly dissolving into an unintelligible mish-mash of jargon…
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Everyone’s clothing vanishes in a twitch. My ankle-length wiener flops and lurches, a stark contrast to the smooth, genitalia-devoid crotches of my corporation-spawned assailants.
“Oh my God,” one of them whispers, staring down at his Ken-doll-smooth pelvis. “What have we become? Corner offices, 401ks, company softball games…” He locks eyes with his companions, all of whom return his horrified stare.
“AT. WHAT. COST????”
Pandemonium erupts as they scramble through my apartment, snatching up whatever sharp objects they can find so they can commit seppuku. I scroll through my iPhone playlist, searching for music that’ll fit the spirit of the moment.
“I gotchu.” I tap the screen, filling the air with the epic theme from Requiem for a Dream as they eviscerate their bellies.
Dude, I can’t go back to being an Adult—are you crazy???
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
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