Doo-be-doo-be-doooo…hit the gym, ran some errands, now I’m ready to stretch, jerk off, and rela—
Wait a second. My front door is wide open.
I shift into park, looking warily around as I step out from my car. Should I call the police? Yell and scream? Strip naked and bum rush whoever’s lurking in my house? (You’d be surprised at how scared people get when faced with anger and nudity.)
I stare at the door for nearly a minute, then make a decision: I’ll check it out myself, but I’ll keep my phone at the ready.
As I shuffle toward the door, I keep looking around, in case anyone tries to jump out and attack me. So far so good…
I poke my head through the door and peek inside. My jaw drops in utter amazement. A diaphanous, super-hot, radiance-formed Soccer Mom smiles at me from inside my living room.
“Holy…” My phone drops from my hand.
[We call ourselves Eludia.] she explains telepathically. [My name is Ireldy. I and my partner—] she nods at her gorgeous counterpart, a psychedelically formed hottie standing a few feet behind her [—have traversed multiple dimensions, seeking the pleasure of your upcurved thicky.]
“My…wiener?” I look from one to the other, my eyes wide with disbelief.
[Legends of your penis have traveled far and wide, bringing hope to Soccer Moms throughout all of existence.] She glances at her partner. [Fairlindely, would you care to sample the goods before we spirit him away?]
Fairlindely nods. [Of course.]
Holy shit. Be still, my pulsing pork-sword. I’m about to have a threesome with a couple of interdimensi—
And then before I can stop her, Fairlindely lifts up the sleeping bag on my nasty-ass futon. [Shall we do it here?]
I shoot my hand out, but it’s too late—the remnants of my bed-farts drift up from my sleeping bag, enveloping the Soccer Moms in a necrotic mist.
[What is—] Her face wrinkles in puzzlement, then twists with horror. [YE GODS!]
They break into coughs, clutching their chests and bending at the waist. Icy dread furls through my belly, forming into a series of thought-freezing chills.
[KENT! HKKKK! DO SOMETHING!]
My phone buzzes with an emergency alert: ATTENTION—A WORLD-ENDING THREAT HAS BEEN DETECTED WITHIN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES. YOU HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES TO SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES.
We’re all about to die.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
An interdimensional portal opens in my living room, flooding my house with Eludian energies. The Soccer Moms give me the finger—[FUCK YOU, KENT WAYNE!]—as they stumble into the gateway and vanish into its undulant core.
At least they’ll be safe–able to access lifesaving procedures for their translucence-based bodies.
I run outside, watching as a wing of bombers streak overhead and release their atomic payload.
There’s only one thing left that makes any damn sense.
Gotta start jerking it.
I stand in the middle of the yard, beating my meat like there’s no tomorrow, because guess what—there isn’t.
Don’t judge; I know if you had the presence of mind, you would do the exact same th—
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