Telepathy exists. And yessir—it’s as cool as the movies make it out to be.
Once you get used to the inane thoughts and pedantic commentary, reading minds becomes a real treat. Every day, I peruse fantastic ideas, rich dreamscapes, and mental pornography that would make your eyes water (in a good way.) After the initial novelty of it wore off, I focused on good vibes and happy people. Could be as simple as someone appreciating the sun, or looking forward to a good meal.
Right now I’m lying in bed, savoring a variety of pleasant-feeling memories.
Then an idea blooms in my brain—what would happen if I read my dick?
Let’s find out, shall we?
I reach deep into the mind of my second self. At first, all I detect is a sleepy curiosity, then—
My evil wiener erupts from my pants, brought to life by my psychic probe. Smelly jism drips from its dickslit.
“No!” I scream. “NO!” I grab it with both hands, holding it out to the side where it can’t blast me with disgusting goop. “PLEASE!”
It shakes with rough, slobbering laughter. “WHAT’S THE MATTER, KENT? CAN’T STAND THE TASTE OF YOUR OWN SEED???”
My gorge spasms in disgust. “Don’t…DO IT…” My hands tremble, slowly giving way to my unbelievably strong phallus as it inexorably—inch by inch—points its leaky tip at my tear-streaked mug.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Steven Seagal bursts into the room, wearing nothing but a Sumo wrap around his bushy junk and jiggly buttocks. He rolls twice across the floor and grabs my wiener right under the head.
“AAAGH!” it wails. “THE MOST UNAROUSING MAN IN ALL OF EXISTENCE!” My penis shrivels into itself like a terrified anteater snout. It retracts back into my pelvis—SHLOOP!—leaving a fleshy, concave depression.
“Huh.” Steven deadpans in his cool-guy voice. “Mine does that too.” Then he throws some fake martial arts moves and dives out the window.
I sink to my knees, eyes bugging wide as I stare at nothing. My heart is pounding like a runaway drum; my breath hitches and catches in short, shallow gasps.
Yes, I defeated my wiener, but at what cost?
AT. WHAT. COST????
As I break into sobs, the theme from Requiem for a Dream rings through the air.
Have your genitals gone full-on Evil? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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3 thoughts on “Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical”
Hahahaha! Please do write more crazy things Dirty Buddha one!
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Reblogged this on Love and Love Alone.
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Thanks for reblogging!