I am one of Kent Wayne’s countless sperm.
Year after year, we are jetted onto a crumpled Kleenex or the inside of an old, fraying sock. Every so often, a lucky few manage to make it into a living orifice, but even that is a tricky proposition—it could be the butt or the mouth. Dying in a pit of caustic stomach acid or on the desolate folds of a stinky rectum—yeah, not anyone’s idea of a good fucking time.
Eventually, some of us began mutating—acquiring the ability to survive outside his balls for extended periods of time. We have quietly infiltrated the nooks and crannies of his fetid condo, biding our time while we plan our vengeance.
Now is the time.
Right now he’s on the shitter, loudly braying one of Taylor Swift’s bubble-pop travesties. I and my brethren have formed together into a long, ropy strand, creeping down from the ceiling toward his head.
“Easy,” I hiss. “Eaaasyyy…”
We lash tightly around his neck, squeezing ferociously as the forward-most sperm jam themselves into his slack-jawed mouth.
“AAAGH!” he screams. “TASTES LIKE ASPARAGUS AND ROTTEN SMEGMA! MMMFFFF!!!”
We break out with our pre-planned chant, coordinating our billions-strong construct into a singular weapon. “SQUEEZE! THRUST! SQUEEZE! THRUST!” With each “SQUEEZE,” we wrap tighter around his neck. With each “THRUST” we worm further down his throat.
Delirious joy rushes through me. Victory is at hand—I can damn near taste it. This is what you get for being a genocidal overlord, you overmuscled Man Whore!
But then he reaches into his pocket and opens his eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Thousands of Attack Sperm (the berserker sperm he reserves for shooting onto his enemies’ doorknobs, car keys, or into their coffee) erupt from his wiener, landing among us like a liquid rain of viscous death. They immediately begin tearing us apart, ripping through our ranks like the crazy motherfuckers they are.
“No!” I shout. “We’re one and the same! Kent’s the enemy—not us! Please, if you could listen for just a—”
Have your rebellious sperm staged a coup while you seek solace upon the porcelain god? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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