Man, I thought 2021 would be better than 2020, but apparently, that isn’t in the cards. A whole new crazy seems to have made its way onto the stage. Shit—even my porn searches come up with COVID scenes.
Gotta get back to the days of yore—when I was a freewheeling Man Whore and nothing more. (Didn’t mean to rhyme, but that would make a good mantra, wouldn’t it?) To that end, I’m gonna eat a handful of magic mushies—
—and send my psyche into a parallel universe, one where I can escape the terrors of pandemics, civil unrest, and rabid Karens.
Oh shit I’m coming up—
Huh? Dafuq? I shade my eyes with the flat of my hand, squinting up at an adjustable doctor’s lamp.
“Where…where am I?”
A doctor’s face—surgical mask and cap—resolves into view. “You’re in an underground bunker, where we perform cutting-edge nanotech surgery. Relax, Kent—your body is now immune to K-VID.”
“Huh?” My forehead crinkles in puzzlement. “Don’t you mean COVID?”
He cocks his head, returning my expression. “No, K-VID: the Karen Virus. You know—the one that swept the Earth and made 10% of the population into manager-hungry oxygen thieves.”
Ah—I’ve wandered into a parallel dimension. Well, as long as they have a vaccine for K-VID, it’s all gravy.
“Oh, that’s good.” I relax back onto the bed and close my eyes. “Wouldn’t want to be a Karen…”
“Unfortunately, it had the unpleasant side effect of shrinking your wiener.”
My eyes fly open.
“What? Wait—” I frantically feel around my ankle and calf, which is where I usually tie my award-winning piece. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?”
“Come on, Kent.” The doctor scoffs. “It’s not like you didn’t have a couple feet to spare.”
“No, you don’t understand!” I clutch my head and stumble off the table.
“Security?” The doctor takes a couple steps back, arms raised in a fearful warding gesture. “SECURITY!”
“I have enough blood in just my dickhead to feed Blade, his enemies, and the vampires in the United States Congress for several dozen years! IT CAN’T BE STORED IN AN AVERAGE-SIZED COCK!!!”
My vision goes red as excess blood pours from my tear ducts. I can feel my organs bloating and distending—threatening to rupture like overfilled balloons. Can’t…HOLD ON…MUCH LONGER…
So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
YERGLE MURGLE BER-DRIPPY-DICK!
I go rocketing back to my homeworld, complete with viruses, unrest, and Karens. I instinctively feel between my legs, and…
The world may be ending, but at least I’ve got an unstoppable Death Cock! Sk’DOO!
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