“My loyal and faithful Dark Side agent,” Emperor Palpatine hisses. “You have served me well over these last two years.”
“Yes milord,” I rise from my one-kneed crouch. “It is an honor to lay waste to those Rebel cuntpunters.”
My remark is met by stone cold silence.
Then: “Kent, you know I do not appreciate your profane speech. Mind your tongue whilst you speak to your master.”
(Asshole. You’d swear we were in a PG-13 movie or something. Dude’s asked me to slaughter entire battalions, yet he’s all up in my ass for dropping an F-bomb here and there? Fucker.)
“Yes master. My apologies.”
“Good. Now complete the tasks I have set before you. Dismissed.”
Man, fuck this guy. Always ordering me to kill this Rebel, kill that Rebel. I joined the Dark Side because I figured there’d be some hot Dark Side groupies, but that’s a solid no, dawg. I thought with a cool black cloak and awesome red saber, I’d attract some tatted up emo-chicks that’d be down for some no-holds-barred powerfucking. Sad to say, that isn’t the case—everyone regards me with fear and disgust, hot emo-chicks included.
“Hey you know what?” I undo the clasp on my stupid black robe. “I’m done with this shit. Good luck with your whole conquering the galaxy thing. I’m gon’ get LAID, muhfuh.”
Palaptine turns, his rage-narrowed eye peeking out from his hood. “So it has come to this. You’ve betrayed me earlier than I thought you would, but very well—ready yourself to beg and scream.” He raises his hands, crooking his fingers into Dark Side lightning position.
Oh shit—totally out of my league here. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Martha Stewart materializes behind him, grabs both of his arms, then rips them off with a bloodcurdling shriek. “PRISON STRENGTH, BITCH!”
JEEzus! Her stint in the big house changed her from beloved Food Network icon into a horror-movie demon-beast! I cover my mouth with a hand–oh my GOD–as she rips out Palpatine’s throat with a savage bite, then rams an arm up his ass and hoists him up, turning him into the most gruesome hand puppet ever.
“LOOK AT ME!” she shrieks, shaking his dying, armless body through his fisted asshole. “I’M A DARK SIDE TYRANT! BLAH-BLIBBITY BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
I start edging toward the door. Maybe if I keep quiet, she won’t—
Then she zooms toward me, grabs the back of my head, and jams it into her crotch.
“START LICKING, KENT! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR MAN WHORE WAYS!”
I mean…there’s really no choice at this point, is there?
In for a penny, in for a pound, HEH heh heh!
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
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