I end my day like any other: by maowing down some magic mushies, then falling asleep to a K-drama. (Yes—they are the BEST!)
Huh? I try to jerk awake, but I can’t move. Sleep paralysis. Goddammit—it happened a few times when I was a kid. Didn’t think it’d happen again…
Wait. There’s something in my yard. What the—
A FLYING SAUCER???
A ramp lowers down from its silver-gray belly. Four hot-as-balls women walk out and head for my door. They’re not human—they’ve got green skin and little antenna-pods sprouting from their foreheads—but…dat ASS! I said CotDAMN!
The door swings wide and they walk inside. Still can’t move. As they lean over me, they telepathically converse. Amazingly enough, I’m able to understand them.
[He bears the penis of legend.] the first one states. [Witness its perfect girth, its undeniable upcurve.]
[Hazzok’s Breath,] the second murmurs. [I’ve seen it in holo-pics, but to feel its presence right before me…]
The third one closes her eyes, her features relaxing into momentary bliss. [I know what you mean. I feel…transported.]
[Load him up.] the fourth one says. [Our Soccer Mom planet needs his wall-widening thicky.]
Yes—YES! Magic mushrooms and K-dramas are awesome, but an ENTIRE PLANET FULL OF HOT ALIEN SOCCER MOMS??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???
And then my asshole betrays me. It dilates wide—PHHHHBBBTTT!!!
Oh no! Sleep fart! This is why I can’t be in a relationship—mine are the WORST!
The alien Soccer Moms bend at the waist, vomiting forcefully and clawing at their necks. Blood runs freely down from their eyes, coating their faces in gory red strands. Black, necrotic veins begin appearing on their skin, crawling across them like a zombie infection.
No—AHGODNO!!! I still can’t move! My sorrow manifests as a single tear that trickles down my right cheek.
I channel all my willpower into my right hand, forcing it to open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The Soccer Moms—now reduced to puddles of bones and slop—reconstitute their bodies. Muscle weaves back onto their skeletons. Fresh skin stretches across their frames.
[We can’t take him with us!] the first one gasps. [His gastrointestinal discharge is far too dangerous.]
[AGREED!] the other three say in perfect unison.
As they walk back to their saucer, my sleep paralysis breaks. I run over to the window, pressing my face against the glass like a heartbroken kid saying goodbye.
“Fly free, hot alien Soccer Moms,” I whisper. “Fly free.”
Have you accidentally stripped the flesh off an intrepid team of space-faring hotties with your disgusting-ass flatulence? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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