I never planned on being a Man Whore. It just kinda fell into my lap. After women kept texting me, “How much for 1 sex?” I decided hey—why not make some money off my knee-knocking womb-hammer?
Seeing as it’s a pandemic, I’ve decided to implement a special discount. Pay for 1 sex, get the second one free! It’s attracted a bevy of ladies, some of whom flat-out surprise me with their societal status. They could have any man they want, yet they choose me for my wall-widening thicky. To say I’m honored would be a giant understatement.
Taylor Swift rolls off me and exhales in satisfaction. “Here you go, whore.” She shoves a thick wad of hundos into my mouth.
“Thanks Taylor!” (Due to the wad of money obstructing my speech, it comes out as Fank fayer!) I stuff the money into my mattress and lay down beside her, as pleased as a Man Whore can be.
She runs her fingers up and down the patch of hair between my chest. “Joe’s handsome and all, but his wiener is pale and mole-rat-like. He’s also missing your girthiness and upcurve. I’d like to stay loyal, but…” A helpless shrug.
I give her a sly grin. “It’s all in the upcurve!”
At that moment, there’s a loud knock on my bedroom door. “HEY!” Giada De Laurentiis yells from outside. “HURRY UP IN THERE, TAYLOR! THERE’S A GODDAMN LINE OUT HERE—YOUR VAJEEN ISN’T THE ONLY THAT NEEDS TO BE WIDENED!”
“Fucking bitch,” Taylor grumbles, kicking her legs over the side of the bed. “Last I heard, you can’t get a grammy for making shitty hors d’oeuvres. You need to stay in your lane, you—”
And then my wall explodes inward, filling the air with smoke and dust. I fan the air, coughing from the fumes, trying to make out a shadowy figure in the particulate haze.
“Hello, Kent.” Martha Stewart throws me a malevolent grin. “Haven’t seen you in quite some time.”
“No,” I whisper, my eyes widening in fear. “For the last time, NO! MY BUTTHOLE IS NOT FOR SALE, MARTHA!!!”
“The fuck it is,” she growls, reaching over her back and drawing a two-foot-long dildo sword. “Imma have that ass—NO ONE TELLS MARTHA WHAT TO DO!”
“EXCEPT THE SECURITIES AND EXCHANGE COMMISSION!” Taylor screams, jumping on Martha’s back and clawing at her eyes.
My door bursts open and a bunch of other hotties flood in, dogpiling Martha. At first I take heart but then I realize they’re no match for her—she sends them flying with her prison-perfected pimp-smacks. In a matter of seconds, she’s got me bent over in a brutal compliance hold, butthole exposed. She kicks my feet to either side, widening my stance. Cold air tickles my rosebud.
“No!” I sob, watching the shadow of her sword grow long across the wall. She lifts it up like a phallic scorpion’s tail. “AHGAWDPLEASE!”
Fuck it. No options left. I reach toward the nightstand and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash
Superman flies in the room, a red-blue blur in the dusty air. He grabs Martha’s wrists and plants his feet, trying like hell to force her back. Sweat beads off his brow; his hands tremble from her incalculable strength.
“Can’t…hold her…she’s too…STRONG…” His teeth draw back in a panicked grimace.
I sprint out of the room, holding my butt shut. Superman’s desperate entreaty follows me into the hall: “No, Martha! Not in the poopchute! Calm down for just a—”
Then he yells, “KRYPTON’S KIDNEY BEANS!” and howls like a dying hyena.
Better him than me! Kent Wayne’s butthole remains tight and undesecrated!
Have you sold 1 sex to the wrong client, and now they’ve come looking to widen your dirt star? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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