I hate being a Pufferfish.
Humans think they’re cute, lovable, sea-creatures. HA! Nah bruh—they’re rape-crazy cannibals! They eat their own babies, man! You guys think they’re like this super sophisticated, oceanic version of a hyper-intelligent dog. Not true. They use me and my kind as chew toys so they can get high off our venom.
That’s why us Tetradontidae are always looking over our fin. Can’t be too careful around these Jeffrey Dahmer motherfuckers. Man, all I wanna do is eat a few shellfish…why they gotta—
“Well, looky here. A little Pufferfish.” A giant shadow grows long across the ground. FUCK!
I turn around and raise my fins. “Please Mr. Dolphin Sir…I’m just trying to—”
The dolphin swims closer, grinning at me with its fake-cheery face. “Bend the fuck over and prepare to be flooded with dolphin ejac.” He starts humming the theme from Pulp Fiction.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach deep into my mind, tapping a past life where I was a prolific sci-fi author named Kent Wayne, and fix my attention onto the story called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A giant voice booms through the ocean: “FEE FI FO FUM! I’M ABOUT TO RIP APART SOME DOLPHIN BUM!”
A blue fucking whale!
One hundred and ninety tons of unstoppable cetacean descends on my would-be rapist. He emits a panicked squeak before the whale takes him to the murky depths, only to do Poseidon knows what with him.
Holy. FUCK. Glad that isn’t me.
As they both fade into shadowy water, I can’t help but think of the mismatch in size. Supposedly, great danes can mate with chihuahuas, but the cost of lube would be astronomical…the chihuhua would probably walk bowlegged for the rest of its life…
Anyways, glad it’s not me. WHOO!
Are you a peaceful-ass ocean dweller who’s suddenly been accosted by those goddamn cannibal-rapists known as dolphins? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜 #Kindle #KindleUnlimited