Given my proclivities, I knew there would be a 99.9% chance that I’d reincarnate as a Golden Retriever, but this time around, that .1% couldn’t be denied…
Because now I’m a Terrier!
Ha HA! I tear through the house, nipping at my stupid Humans’ stupid ankles. Fear my incisors, all and sundry!
“Kent! KENT!” My owner chases after me as I wriggle out the cracked-open door. Squirt outside and—
—I take off running hell across sidewalks, lawns, and backyards. FREEDOM! Eventually, after a blur of houses and fences and pavement and trees, I start getting tired.
Whew! Where am I? In the woods somewhere, I guess. Probably should start heading back…
“Well looky here,” a voice drawls. “It’s a goddamn canine. What should we do with it, Cletus?”
Two giant ass rats emerge from a bush, eyeing me with predatory interest.
“Hell…” Cletus chews reflectively, then turns sideways and spits out a stream of brown liquid. “Mebbe string him up and save him for later. What do YOU think, Eustice?”
“I say bring out The Possum.”
“Uh…possum?” I’m getting level 10 Deliverance vibes from these two.
“EY!” Cletus looks over his shoulder. “REBEL! GET YER ASS OUT HERE!”
The bush they emerged from rustles and shakes, then the biggest possum I’ve ever seen—thing must weigh seventy pounds, if not eighty—plods out from the leaves. It’s wearing a leather mask and sporting a giant, dripping hard-on. Holy SHIT! It’s hung like a horse!
“Rebel here serves as our welcome committee.” Eustice chuckles. “And by ‘welcome,’ I mean sodomy.”
“No—NO!” I scrabble backward, clenching my butthole as tightly as possible. “You guys do interspecies sex??? What the FUCK????”
“Get over yourself,” Cletus sneers. “You city animals are always claiming you’re super woke, but ain’t nothing woker than another species plumbing yer guts with an oversized penis.”
“THAT’S NOT WOKE!” I scream.
Rebel begins shambling forward, huffing and slavering like the mouth-breather he is. I’m gonna be tasting rodent sperm in the back of my throat if I don’t do something soon.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“HIYO FUCKING SILVER!” A twenty-pound streak of white-and-black fur streaks across the ground, darting under the possum and twisting in the air so it can turn upside down and rip Rebel’s sack open. It’s so damn fast that all I saw was a bunch of anime speed-lines.
That’s right, motherfuckers—I summoned a goddamn Honey Badger.
Rebel howls in pain and tries to run, but Honey Badger runs up his asshole, disappearing into his furry buttcrack. Rebel’s eyes go pizza-pie wide, then Honey Badger forces his way out through the mouth, ripping apart gums and fascia in a glorious fountain of blood and gore.
“RRRRR!!! HOLY SHIT, THIS IS GIVING ME A BIG-ASS MURDER BONER!” Honey Badger sprints towards the rats. He shoots by them with incredible speed, cutting their legs off with ultra-fast swipes of his super-sharp claws. He doubles back and begins manically beating them with their own limbs.
“COME ON, KENT!” Honey Badger screams. “MURDER BONERRRRRRRR!!!!!”
“Ahhh…think I’ll pass.” I laugh nervously as I edge out of the woods.
Later, when I’m safe and sound back in the house, I reflect on my close encounter with Deliverance-style sodomy. Not gonna happen—not while Honey Badger has my back!
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Are you an innocent little doggo who’s accidentally wandered into the deviant backwoods? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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