I open my eyes, drenched in sweat and gasping for breath. I look between my legs and sigh in defeat.
Goddammit. Wiener’s still the same damn size.
It’s a big ol’ thicky, but nowhere near as ginormous as I want it. I want an Argument Killer—the kind of wiener you can whip out when you’re losing badly in a heated debate, stunning the opposition into a hushed silence. The kind of wiener that can transform your verbal ass-kicking into total pwnage.
Oh well. Some other day, maybe. Time to attend to my writerly duties.
I sit down at my computer and begin plinking away. But just as I hit my 1000th word, screams erupt from outside my condo. I jump up and run to the window.
Holy fuckgobble! Motherfucking Beta Males—they followed me down from San Francisco!
“WE’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU, KENT!” one screams as he kneels on the hood of my car and ejaculates onto the windshield. “WE KNOW YOU SPAT OUT THE TOFURKEY WE GAVE YOU—WE KNOW YOU LIED WHEN YOU SAID YOUR PENIS WAS ONLY TWO AND A HALF INCHES!”
Sweat breaks out across my brow. It’s true—in order to work as an accountant up in San Francisco, I had to blend in—perfect my snort-laugh, wear super baggy clothes to hide my muscles, and pretend I was hung like a newborn gerbil. Also, under no circumstances could I wear sweatpants—a big ol’ dickprint would have sent them into a murderous rage.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Martha Stewart, Giada De Laurentiis, and a host of other Food Network beauties make their entrance from a shining, interdimensional rip in the air. They start ripping out gizzards, punching through chests, and biting giant craters into the Beta Males’ soft, jawline-devoid skulls. I punch the air, hooting joyfully as the triumph on the Beta Males’ faces turns to utter and complete horror.
“Kent is OURS!” Martha screams. “OURS—you hear me??? His wall-widening thicky is a goddamn TREASURE!”
Wait—they want to make sex with me? A buncha hot-ass MILFS that can grill a perfect steak and bake gluten-free cupcakes?
My wiener bursts forth from my pants, roaring ferociously. I beat my chest and howl right along with it.
Once it’s done, it slinks down my leg and coils around my right ankle.
Hey—what do you know? An Argument Killer! Thank you, Food Network MILFS! Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Have a bunch of pedantic, finger-wagging haters decided to besmirch your ride with their zero-sperm semen? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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