Ahh…flaming hots are the best. Why even bother making regular Cheetos? Fools! All of them!
I lick dust off my chemically reddened fingers, savoring the ommynom burn that spreads across my tongue. GOD, that’s good…
And then my stomach gives a warning lurch.
My face goes pale. Color drains from my cheeks. I leap up from the couch and run to the bathroom door, turning the knob and throwing my shoulder into it. WHOOF!
Instead of flying open like it’s supposed to, the door remains closed. No, dear God—NO! I give it a few kicks but it doesn’t budge.
Sweat springs out across my forehead. If I release my protein-poop into the open air, people will die. Not just people—ENTIRE CITIES. Gotta do something–gotta do it FAST.
I scramble through the living room, trying to find something—ANYTHING—that can stifle the apocalypse brewing in my colon. Jesus Christ, please let there be—
My causality-warping eReader. Lying on the coffee table.
I flip it open, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I’m teleported onto an open football field, holding a springy pole-vaulting stick in both hands. Levitating at the other end in front of the goal post is a single porta-potty.
Its door opens. Angelic song fills the air.
I explode like a sprinter from the goddamn starting block, grit and determination etched on my face. Due to my clenched sphincter, everything below my waist has gone completely numb, but it doesn’t matter—my legs have gained life of their own; they’re pumping and churning like runaway steam engines.
50 yards. 30. 20. Jam the pole into the ground and—
—fly through the air while twisting around, pulling my shorts down before I PLUNK on the toilet. An electric chill runs through my torso before—
PHHHBBBBT! OHHHHHHhhhhh man–MANohmanohman.
Feels better than cumming—if anyone disagrees, I have two words for you: Fight Me!
Have you eaten one too many flaming Cheetos, putting your entire county at risk of an unimaginably horrific death? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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