I’m eeeevil….SOOOO EEEEEVVVILL…
“Sith Lord Kent! The rebels have arrived! In less than an hour, we shall crush those traitors beneath our heels!”
Fuck, man—I don’t wanna crush no rebels. I signed up to be a Sith Lord for the cool black robes. Now all I do is work, work, work. Why couldn’t I have been like Anakin and spent my days rawdogging some Natalie-Portman looking hottie? And come to think of it, why am I the evil one??? Luke Skywalker KISSED HIS SISTER and all they do is sing his praises! Fuck that guy! Incest-encouraging motherfucker!
“Coming, coming,” I grumble, snatching up my lightsaber and walking out of my jungle-moon compound. Different day, same shit. Gonna slice people in half, force-choke the crap out of them, blah-blah-blah. Fuck my life.
Wait a second, why are the AT-ATs falling down and exploding? Damn stormtroopers are firing like crazy, shouting at the top of their lungs to fall back, fall back…
Oh shit—YODA’S HERE!
I break for the hangar, trying but failing to suppress my fearful bitch-squeals. Yoda hates me. Years ago, I was fucking around on the astral plane, and I witnessed a dream of his where he rimmed Princess Leia before he slammed her from behind. I broadcasted the dream to all and sundry—including Leia—which resulted in a shitload of weirdness between them, which is why they never physically met. Now he’s here to fuck me up!
Relief surges through me as I enter the bay. None of the rebels have made it this far. All I gotta do is fire up a craft, and—
“Escape you will not. Scum of the earth you are.”
Yoda levitates me in the air, telekinetically grabbing my balls and wrangling them like a pair of stress-relief squeeze-toys.
“Think you can peer in my dreams like a psychic pervert, hmm? Pay you will—with both your testicles!”
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The wall breaks apart, courtesy of an alternating pair of reamplified lasers. A helmeted figure flies in on a speeder bike, hooks me around the waist, and—
—snatches me from the psychic clutches of a pissed-off, green-skinned halfling. As I regain my bearings, I realize my rescuer is the hottest woman in the entire galaxy: Soccer Mom Prime!
“Couldn’t let those beautiful testicles burst like grapes.” She guns the throttle, kicking the alluvial engine up a couple notches. It whines loudly as we rocket forward. “Come on—let’s go drain them into my vajeen.”
Hot damn—you don’t have to tell me twice! Fuck this Sith Lord shit! I always knew my true calling was to sex up a Soccer Mom!
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Are you sick of constantly fighting rebels when you could be fucking like a goddamn rabbit? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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