It isn’t easy being Kent Wayne’s big toe. “Neglect” is too poor a word for it—he lets all manner of cheese and fungus grow on my surface, then treats it like a scratch-n-sniff when he doesn’t think anyone’s looking. Disgusting. To add insult to insult, his other body parts get blatant favoritism. His penis, for example—Wiener gets treated to all manner of creams, lotions, and positive affirmations. Fucking diva.
That changes today. I’ve made an alliance with my upstream body parts—knee and thigh—and enlisted them in a coup that’ll show Kent who’s boss. When he falls asleep, they’re going to help me attack his face.
That’s right, bitch—time to taste your own foot cheese.
After the lights click off, I lay awake in anticipation. This is it. This is my time. Now is the winter of my discontent.
Knee and Hip slowly fold and bend me upward, sending a delirious thrill through my arch. Yes, bitch—YES!
Just as I’m about to plunge into his snoring mouth, his eyes flutter open.
“Huh? What the—”
I dart forward but he grabs me by the ankle with both hands, stopping me a millimeter from his lips.
“No!” he hisses. “NO!”
Too late, asshole. I’m too close and your grip is too weak. Just a couple more seconds and you’ll taste your own Gross…
But then he reaches over to his nightstand and opens his eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
His knee-length wiener roars to life. “WHO DOTH WAKE ME FROM MY SLUMBER???” Shit—the magic from the eReader granted it full sentience!
It shoots up and wraps firmly around me, choking me within its veiny folds. Christ, it’s strong! Who would’ve thought that Kent’s wiener could reach all the way to his fucking foot???
As it brings me back down, it squeezes harder, cutting off my circulation. The world goes hazy; black walls start closing in.
I underestimated him, goddammit. Forgot to account for his gigantic, super-strong, pe—
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