Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

There once was a time when you could write freely.  When you could put forth crazy-fun stories about Elves, psychics, Gray Alien abductors, or brain-hijacking worms without people getting all up on your writerly nuts.

That time has passed.  This is 2020.

Plague.  Riots.  Murder hornets.

And now?

Writing snobs.

Not just Grammar Nazis—I’m talking about all kinds of finger-wagging wrist-slappers, ready to jump in your shit ’cos you’ve broken the Rules.  Passive Voice Assholes.  Emo-poets.  Most English professors.

From my experience, they’re all men with extraordinary small wieners (you can tell by the simmering rage in their expressions) and unsightly dad-bods.  Men who are too uptight to connect with that divine creative spark, and resort to sniping at those who can.

Only in 2020, the sniping is literal.

I run across the frozen ground, flinching as rounds snaps by, cracking against trees or digging into the earth.  Drones let loose with miniature missiles, ringing me in with plumes of fire that erupt from the deck.

“YOUR ASS IS OURS, WAYNE!  SINCE WHEN DID YOU THINK IT WAS ACCEPTABLE TO WRITE INCOMPLETE SENTENCES, OR WRITE ANYTHING OTHER THAN MEANDERING POETRY???  THERE ARE SCHOOLS AND DEGREES FOR LITERATURE—WE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANOTHER AUTHOR FROM OUTSIDE ACADEMIA!”

Fuck!  A missile explodes behind me, lifting me up and sending me soaring.  I touch down and roll, marveling at the fact that I haven’t been hit by any shrapnel.  I push through a thick wall of bushes, breaking through the tree-line into—

Oh SHIT—a goddamn cliff!

I screech to a halt, backpedaling wildly and falling onto my butt.  A couple more steps and I would have plummeted to my death.

Drones crest the firs and pines, illuminating my body with harsh floodlights.  Even though I can’t see them, I know invisible lasers are dancing across my torso, marking me for 5.56, 7.62, and .308.

“YOU’RE FINISHED, WAYNE.  SURRENDER.”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Ernest Hemingway falls from the sky dressed in an old-school strongman singlet.  “EAT MY ASS, YOU NERDY FUCKING SCALLAWAGS!”  He assumes an old-timey boxing stance and starts throwing hairy-knuckled punches, exploding peoples’ faces and knocking them toothless.  Holy fuck!

I hightail it out of there, glancing back over my shoulder just in time to see him take a swig of whiskey and hold a lighter to his face, blowing a whoosh of flame into the midst of the writing snobs.

Part of me feels sorry for them, but…

Nah!  Fuck those cock-smears!  Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Are you being nitpicked by a bunch of a bunch of pedantic, uncreative finger-waggers?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

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