I’m at the office, playing that age-old game: how do I silently release a monster fart without alerting everyone, letting them know I’m an animalistic Man Child?
Right now I’m in a meeting, listening to some corporate capo drone on and on about synergy, thinking outside the box, and moving the needle. Blah-blibbity blah-blah-blah. I stare blankly ahead, flexing my sphincter out of absolute boredom.
Turtlehead? Or fart? Turtlehead? Or fart? God this guy’s boring…
Oh no! I jerk awake, watching as everyone coughs and gags, clawing at their throats with shaking fingers.
Michelle Salzman moans, “HLLLP MEEE!” before keeling over and spasming violently. Blake Tanner bends at the waist and projectile-vomits, barfing an internal organ before he collapses onto his side. Katie Powolski shrieks as the skin melts off her face and neck, revealing a lurid patchwork of muscle and bone.
God DAMN you, butthole! Why were you built with such destructive capability, while also equipped with a pleasurable ring of nerves that invites licking and tickling? It’s not fair!!!
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Stop. Rewind. Play.
Time resets to the beginning of the meeting. My boss pauses, ready to expound on wheelhouses, growth hacking, or whatever new terminology gives the higher-ups boners, but I run out the door before he can start.
“Kent, hey! I was just about to—”
And THAT is why—in real life—I just retired! It has nothing to do with the fact that I love afternoon naps or jerking off 3 or 4 times a day, it’s a matter of life and death goddammit—LIFE AND DEATH!!!
Need to take back a mind-hazing Death Fart? I’ve got just the thing! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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