OH yeah! This is what I’m TALKING ABOUT! It’s 2021—pandemic’s over, baby! Just got hired to dance for a Soccer Mom soirée!
I rip off my pants and drop it like it’s hot, then lean back on my hands and thrust my hips up. My big ol’ bulge dances and bounces like an electrified jello cake.
“YEAH!” the moms scream. “YEAAAAHHHH!!!” Fistfuls of bills fly from their hands.
I kick to my feet, snake my hips from side to side, then rip off my shirt.
Uh-oh. Not the reaction I wanted. Why aren’t they—
“HE’S GOT HAIRY SHOULDERS! WHAT THE FUCK!!!”
Oh SHIT! Hey 2020, go fuck yourself with a rusty coat hanger! Incepting my shoulders with old man hair follicles—FUCK you!
I tuck and roll as knives, ninja stars and tomahawks come flying at me, burying themselves in the drywall right above my head. THUNK THUNK THUNK! Surge to my feet, patter my steps, and—
—jacknife over a slashing katana, aimed low so as to cut off my legs right at the knees. I drop into another roll, but one of the hotter ones skids into a slide-tackle, careening into my side like a runaway train. OOF!
A swarm of snarling, quinoa-chiseled faces rush toward me. And who can blame them? Hairy shoulders are fucking DISGUSTING!
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Giada De Laurentiis crashes through the wall, spear-tackles the shit out of me, and runs me out the door. She raises her arm, shoots a gas-propelled grapnel-gun into the sky, and—
—we go flying into the starry night, hanging from the back of a silvery glider-drone.
“I’M your Soccer Mom.” Giada gives me her trademark smile. “Those bitches can choke on my smeg.” Then she kisses me hard, tickling my tonsils with her hungry tongue. Sloppy make out sesh—YES!
Kent Wayne wins again!
Has 2020 cursed you with the worst of all hair? SHOULDER hair???? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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