The masses adore it. Artists crave it. How can we channel transcendence and resonance into new forms and dazzling patterns? An eternal question, one that authors struggle with on a daily basis. The drama of humanity, captured in everything from violence and beauty and primal instincts…
Fuck this—I’m getting nowhere. I down five handfuls of magic mushrooms.
I crack my eyes open. Still in my bedroom, still at my desk, but…
Holy fuckgobble! A transparent blue genie is floating right above my computer!
“Three wishes. Make it quick.”
“Come on, come on.” He cycles a hand. “You know how this goes.”
“Uh, okay. Bigger dick—”
“Done. But your dick was already a big ol’ thicky—now you’re gonna have to go super slow and use an entire bottle of lube every time you fuck.”
“No! Smaller dick! Smaller—”
Hold on–wait a second! I catch myself and scream, “Original size!!”
He snaps his fingers. “Done. Same old dick. You have one wish left.”
Dammit! Stupid stupid STUPID! Had three wishes, but I wasted two. Why couldn’t I have wished for—
“Times a’wasting.” He claps twice. “Chop chop, motherfucker.”
“Uh…okay.” I take a deep breath and think it over. Man, I could end the pandemic, abolish corruption, do away with economic injustice, I could—
But my traitorous mouth blurts, “Bigger dick!”
“You got it.” He snaps his fingers. Before I can beg him to take it back, he spins in places and fades into nothingness.
I feel between my legs. My hand settles on a giant bulge, roughly the size of a summer sausage. Who the fuck is gonna want this inside them???
Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Soccer Mom Prime crashes through my window, rolling across the floor before she gets up and dusts herself off.
“You asked for a bigger dick, didn’t you? Tsk tsk.” She shakes her head. “Kent—you’re already endowed with an award-winning thicky.”
“I know!” I sob. “I KNOW! Now it looks like a Graboid from Tremors!”
“Luckily for you, I’ve got one wish left.” She snaps her fingers. “There—back to normal.”
I sniff up a line of snot. “Th-thank you, Soccer Mom Prime!”
“No worries.” She smiles. “Now let’s put that womb-widener to good use–c’mere and gimme some sugar.”
Gladly! Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Have you lost your wish discipline and conjured a giant wiener that’ll scare everyone off instead of enticing them to put it inside a moistened orifice? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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