Been a vampire for less than a day and I’m already sick of it.
A Soccer Mom hired me for my Man Whore prowess, but after widening her vajeen and filling her with sperm, she chowed down on my muscled neck, quickly turning me into a creature of the night. I thought the whole super strong, super-fast, magically enhanced Creature of the Night thing would be the absolute tits, but apparently not—there’s all kinds of bureaucracy I have to contend with.
For starters, I’m required to attend a stoopid-ass meeting every night. In the decrepit conference room of a three-star motel, no less.
The head vampire pounds his gavel. “This meeting is in session! Recorder, please take note of the time. Okay…” he licks his finger and shuffles through a thick sheaf of papers. “Got a bunch of stuff to cover. If you haven’t already paid your dues, please see Marion post haste. She’s trying to file taxes as soon as possible, so we don’t run into the same problems we had last fiscal year.”
If I haven’t said it before: Yawn.
“Alright.” He tamps the papers on his lectern and pushes his glasses an inch up his nose. “First item on the agenda: we’ve been assigned a new regional director. Please welcome…Batman!” Applause erupts throughout the room.
Holy fucking shit!
Batman walks in, dressed in full battle armor. “Hey.” He gives us a wave and a smile. “Hey, how are you. Thank you so much.” He takes a seat in front of an empty mic.
The applause dies down. “Thank you, thank you.” He taps the head of the mic. “This thing on? Oh, good—there we go.” He sweeps the room with his gaze. “Throughout the years, I’ve been closely associated with your community—emo daddy issues, long black cape, lurker of the shadows—but now I’m proud to announce I’m actually one of you–just got bit a couple weeks ago.”
The crowd goes nuts. Cheers and whoops followed by a standing ovation.
“As a gesture of trust, I’d like to demask in front of my fellow vampires.” He chuckles nervously. “Drumroll, please.”
ErMahGawd—who’s it gonna be??? Affleck? Bale? No, wait, I think it’s—
He lifts the cowl. My jaw drops. No. NO!!!
IT’S EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN!
I bolt to my feet and level a finger. “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? HE’S A CENTURY-OLD PEDO WHO HITS ON HIGH SCHOOLERS!”
Cullen’s face twists in rage. “As your newly appointed regional director, I order you minions to FUCK HIM UP!” He stands up and chucks the cowl right at my face. “YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? COME ON BITCH—COME AND GET SOME!”
Hundreds of vampires turn toward me, snarling and spitting and baring their fangs.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Just as I turn back into a human, Blade and Whistler—seated in the cab of a fully modded anti-vampire monster truck—crash through the wall, flooding the room with ultraviolet light and cutting loose with hand-loaded rounds: silver-tipped bullets filled with aerosolized garlic.
The next few seconds are like an old-school gangster film where a fedora-wearing psycho goes unleashes hell with a big-ass tommy gun. Vampires everywhere jerk and twitch, exploding into bursts of disintegrating flesh.
Keep the change, ya filthy animals! I ain’t working for no pedo-Batman–doesn’t matter how pretty he is!
Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA!
Have you gone full-on vampire, only to find out it isn’t nearly as cool as you thought it’d be? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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