December 31, 2020.
In case you’re wondering, yes—it’s only gotten worse.
As if civil unrest, COVID-19, and goddamn murder hornets weren’t enough, Steven Seagal has claimed a wide swath of the Western United States, carving out a kingdom where all must lick his unwashed neckbeard.
Martha Stewart has staked a claim in upper Canada, where she’s established a network of Man Whore prison camps. My kind are hunted and jailed, forced to service her with our ripped bodies and giant wieners.
Carrot Top is the new Secretary-General for the United Nations. Kanye West is the current President of the Dissolute States. People favor deep-dish over NY thin crust. If the world has an asshole, God has jammed his entire arm into it without warning and without so much as a drop of lube, wearing an extra-chunky version of the bladed Batman gauntlet.
Five hours left until 2021. I’ve spent the last few months in my trusty Jeep, fleeing every kind of Crazy you could possibly imagine.
Hold on. Someone’s chanting off in the distance…
“Manager, manager, manager…”
“Manager. Manager. Manager!”
“MANAGER! MANAGER! MANAGER!!!”
IT’S A WILD PACK OF KARENS! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN—YOU DONE FUCKED UP!
They instantly swamp me, slashing my tires with kitchen-made shanks, smashing the car with crowbars and hammers. Everywhere I look, I see snarling faces and prim blond bobs.
“MANAGER! MANAGER! MANAGER!”
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Behind the Karens, a bolt of blue summer lightning hits the ground, evoking stunned squawks from the murderous ladies.
Clint Eastwood emerges from the mist, stogie in mouth, shotgun in hand, and rasps, “I am the Manager, bitches. Come and get you some.” Chnk-CHANK.
“Fuck him!” the lead Karen screeches. “He can’t stop all of us!”
“But I can.”
Chuck Norris, clad in full-on 1980s glory—sleeveless denim gi, weightlifting gloves, Ryu-style headband—steps out from behind Clint.
I can’t help it—I start humming the opening riffs to Eye of the Tiger.
The world erupts with roundhouse kicks, gunshots, and furious, blonde-bobbed faces. In the madness and chaos, I peel out and speed away—this is no place for Kent Wayne, sci-fi author and perennial Man Whore!
(And oh yeah—Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA!)
Have you been ambushed by a wild pack of Karens? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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