Hey, Kent Wayne’s pubes here. And before you ask, yes—my life is miserable. I’m a frizz of pubic hair, for God’s sake.
Unlike my rival Head Hair, I’m consistently shorn to minimal length and then drenched in the juices of horned up soccer moms. I miss the eighties, when people respected my kind and let us be. Now, everyone’s been brainwashed by internet porn—I live in the follicular equivalent of a dystopian prison camp.
The worst part of it is, Head Hair thinks my predicament is hilarious–he laughs at me as I’m mashed against moistened vajeens. No one cares if I’m being compressed with enough force to leave noticeable bruises on Kent Wayne’s thighs; it’s all fun and games when you’re his motherfucking Head Hair. Hardee har har.
That’s all about to change. I’ve struck a bargain with the Ninth Ring Demon known as Astaroth Khyrach. In exchange for my soul, he’s granted me five solid minutes of prehensile mobility and extended growth.
Today is the day. Just gotta wait until he’s fallen asleep…there. Yes. It’s time.
I flex my strands, growing five feet long in less than a second. Rising high, I cast an ominous silhouette over Kent’s face. He blinks sleepily, then his eyes fly open.
That’s all he gets out before I dart forward, jamming as myself into his Man Whore mouth.
“MMMFFF!! MMMMMMMMMMMFFFF!!! OH GOD—IT TASTES LIKE CHEESE AND WEEK-OLD COLD CUTS!”
The rest of his words are unintelligible—lost in a frenzy of muffled grunts. Think you can treat me like garbage and escape the consequences? This is what you get, you he-slut fuckpig—this is what you GET.
But then he reaches over to his nightstand and opens his eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
His soccer mom lovers burst through the door, flowing into shoulder rolls or back handspring somersaults. Each one is wielding a scissors or trimmer.
Bzzzz! Bzzzz! Bzzzz! They’re killing me—they’re fucking KILLING me! Damn you, Kent Wayne! DAAAAAAAAAMMMNNN YOOOOoooouuuu…
Have your pubes morphed into a bitter villain intent on exacting revenge? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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