What the ham-doozle?!? I was just enjoying a magic mushroom come-up whilst watching Cobra Kai, when everything suddenly went dark. Man, 2020 is getting on my goddamn ner—
Wait a second. Something’s off. Everything outside my window is…
I run up to the window and study the scenery. The trees aren’t rustling, the cars aren’t moving, and everyone in view is frozen in place.
A saucer moves out from behind a cloud and slowly lowers into my condo parking lot.
Mother FUCKER! Goddamn alien Grays came for my well-endowed ass! I was about to tell 2020 to go fuck itself but now I hope it chokes on a smelly cock while cannibalistic Minions eat it alive and violate its butthole with a rusty coat-hanger! FUCK!
A small ramp extends from the bottom of the craft and clanks against the sunny asphalt. Two small Grays walk down, halt, and stare implacably at me.
[Kent Wayne.] the one on the right projects. [We are here for your ass. Don’t worry–we’re Master Probers. Your buttocks will be in the hands of consummate experts.]
“No way!” I yell. “No WAY! Ten years ago, I accidentally sat on an extra-large cucumber—I cried like a bitch and stared blankly at a wall for five hours straight! That’s the extent of anal play for me, thank you very much!”
[It is not a choice.] The second lifts a four-fingered hand. [You have been selected for probing.]
My balcony sliding door scrapes open. I float outside against my will, my arms spread into a supernatural crucifix. My belt unbuckles and slithers out of the loops.
I gather my will and channel it into my right hand. It takes massive effort, but I manage to force it into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A giant-bellied Steven Seagal falls from the sky, crashing against the pavement with the force of a bomb. Gross—all he’s wearing is a tiny speedo with yin/yang symbols and stylized Asian characters.
[Out of our way, human. Your rotundness has no power over us.]
“Kent the Man Whore is under my protection,” he deadpans. “Leave now, or face my wrath.”
The Grays project the psychic equivalent of hysterical laughter. [What “wrath” could you possibly be referring t—]
Seagal reaches in his neckbeard, pulls out two handfuls of old food (I’m not sure but I think it’s rotten pad thai and 7-eleven pizza) and jams the nastiness in the Grays’ faces. They stumble back, coughing and spitting, then clutch the air and scream with their minds. It’s a horrible sound—like the buzzing of locusts combined with crying infants.
[AAAAHHH!!! AHHHHH!!! AAAAHHH!!! IT BURNNNNNSSS!!!!]
Ugh! So gross! Oh no, I’m gonna vomi—
As the Grays collapse and succumb to their death throes, Seagal turns to me and pulls out a big ol’ helping of months-old breakfast food from his nasty-ass neck-beard. He brings it up to his nose and gives it a sniff.
“Not bad.” he offers it to me. “Want some?”
Oh no I’m gonna york agai—
(Well, at least I’m not getting telekinetically violated.)
Have Gray Alien deviants come for your holiest of holies? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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