“FELLOW MAN WHORES!” I ride my horse Braveheart-style before an army of he-sluts, brandishing the state-of-the-art lightsaber I got from Toys R Us. “SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL, WE HAVE BEEN USED LIKE CHEAP COSTCO MIX BY MARTHA STEWART AND HER LEGIONS OF ALPHA MILFS! THEIR MEAGER TIPS DO NOT MAKE UP FOR THE THOUSANDS OF HOURS WE’VE SPENT UNDER THEIR DESKS, STRAINING OUR JAWS TO MAKE SURE THEY RECEIVE THE BEST CUNNILINGUS IN THE HISTORY OF SEX!”
“YES!” they roar.
“WE ARE UNDERPAID AND UNDERPPRECIATED! WE DESERVE BETTER FOR THE COUNTLESS NIGHTS WE’VE SPENT IN SPIDER-MONKEY DOGGY STYLE, PULLING HAMSTRINGS AND HIP FLEXORS SO WE CAN THRUST AND FUCK LIKE BIONIC GORILLAS!”
“AND NOW WE TAKE THE FIGHT TO THEM!” I wheel my horse around and point my lightsaber at Martha’s vineyard retreat. “CHAAAAARRRGGE!!!”
Gosling, Efron, and a host of others scream ferociously, running behind me as I gallop across the idyllic countryside. Martha walks out from her beautiful stone cottage and stares calmly at us, sipping tea from a cup and saucer. We’re about halfway across when she sets her tea onto a beautiful oak patio table, artfully carved from the stump of a redwood.
She extends her hand. Her eyes glow red. We abruptly halt in place and slowly levitate off the ground, spread into supernatural crucifixes by her Food Network powers.
All around me, Man Whores twist and crumple inward, imploding into gruesome scrunches of bloody tissue. Gore and tissue explode around me, streaking my face with mashed organs and runny ichor. Jesus Christ she just turned Hemsworth INSIDE OUT…
One…chance…LEFT. I muster every ounce of willpower in my Man Whore brain, channeling it into my frozen hand. It inches down into my pocket and opens my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Suddenly, I’m whisked away to the astral plane, surrounded by floating concepts and transparent ideas. Martha looks around, puzzled.
“How did you force me to ditch my body?”
“AHGOD!” I blubber, clutching her leg and wailing like the bitch-ass car salesman from True Lies. “PLEASE—SPARE MY LIFE! I’M JUST A MAN WHORE IN NEED OF LOVE!”
Martha regards me with an implacable stare. Finally, she says, “Very well. But you shall serve as MY Man Whore. See you on Earth, you fuck-pig dick-slut.” She snaps her fingers and disappears.
I curl into a ball and clutch my belly, sobbing like Will Ferrell doing a hilarious-ass ugly-cry. She spared my life, but at what cost?
AT. WHAT. COST????
*Theme from Requiem for a Dream*
Need a hail Mary save from a telekinetic MILF-demon? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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