“Go on.” Martha Stewart—High Empress of Khyrakta, which used to be known as Earth—settles back into her infant-hide chair and steeples her fingers. “Dance for me, Man Whore.”
“Martha please!” I gasp, twerking my speedo-clad booty for all it’s worth. “Can’t go on…much longer…”
“Dance for me,” she repeats. “Or I violate your anus with my jail-hardened fists.” (remember: she’s a convicted felon who’s served time in a federal penitentiary). She punches the air with deadly speed. My hair flutters from the force of her strikes.
“No…please…” I force a few more twerks. “Must…protect…my rosebud…”
She rises from her throne and walks toward me. “Time’s up. You’ve failed to arouse me. Prepare to be widened, Man Whore.”
“No!” I squeal. “No widening!”
The walls burst inward, showering us with fragments of stone-turned-powder. Padma, Giada, and Nigella Lawson roll across the floor, stopping before Martha in anime-style crouches.
“WHAT TREACHERY IS THIS???” Martha roars. “LOW-DOWN TURNCOATS!”
“Kent the Man Whore is a gift to us all.” Giada fixes Martha with a steely glare. “Learn to share, you insider-trading, dry-chicken bitch.”
“MY CHICKEN ISN’T DRY!” she screams. “OOH, YOU’RE GONNA GET IT, GIADA! CAN’T WAIT TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND FLAMBE YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FACE!”
Padma locks eyes with me as Nigella and Giada engage with Martha. “Use your magic eReader, you big-penised doofus! She’s too damn strong for us!” Then she leaps into the fray, flipping and twisting as she launches kicks and punches with Matrix-like grace. Martha holds her own against the trio of alpha-milfs, blocking and countering with frightening skill.
Gotta save the hotties. So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The ties around my penis (leading down from my thigh to my ankle) bulge and snap, freeing its rippling length from my muscled leg. A twist of my hips and—
—I send it rocketing out the high-rise window. The head zooms past a church tower and curves back around, wrapping around the building like a veiny grappling hook.
“COME ON!” I shout, relishing the opportunity to use a cheesy line from eighties adventure movies: “LET’S GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!!!”
Padma, Nigella, and Giada run over to me and grab hold of my torso with their toned legs, squeezing my butt and my breastises while licking my ears and neck like horny teenagers. I run out the window and—
—hum the triumphant sounding Willow theme (am I showing my age here? Fuck!) as we swing through the air on my enormous wiener.
Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA!
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