“Thanks man.” I dust myself off and get to my feet. “It’s an honor to meet you sir.” I chuckle nervously and extend my hand.
“Don’t mention it,” Batman rasps. He grabs my hand and gives it a shake. “You were accosted by a gang of five armed men. It would have been a crime to pass you by.”
“You’re right,” I concede. “Thanks again. Uh…I know you’ll probably say no, but I was wondering if I could—”
“See my face? Sure.” He lifts the cowl. My jaw drops. My gorge rises.
It’s not Kilmer. It’s not Affleck. It’s not Bale (why the hell did they ever let him go???)
It’s Edward fucking Cullen.
“No…NO!” I fall onto my butt, crab-scooting backwards. My face twists like Luke Skywalker’s after he’s been slapped in the nuts with the Darth-father revelation. “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!”
“What’s the big deal?” He cocks his head, annoyed. “Come on—they gave Affleck a chance. I don’t see why—”
I point a shaking finger at him. “YOU’RE A HUNDRED-YEAR OLD VAMPIRE-PEDO WHO HITS ON HIGH-SCHOOLERS! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!”
“Calm down for just a—”
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A naked Steven Seagal descends from the sky, smothering Edward’s face under the hip-to-dick hang of his giant belly. The Dark Knight impostor flails and thrashes.
“Smell my under-gunt,” Steven deadpans. “I’ve seasoned it with rotten soup and week-old trash-juice.”
Gross me out the door—BARF!
Seems that Edward feels the same. He stops struggling and goes limp. Steven removes Edward’s head from his funk-ridden under-gunt (how is that even a thing? BLECH!) with a sickening PLOP. Much to my horror, Edward’s face has melted completely off—all that’s left is a grinning skull.
“No survives the under-gunt,” Steven says in his scary-calm, serial-pervert voice. “Not even Batman.”
“Uh…right.” I hiss through my teeth. “I’m gonna GO…”
He wipes a hand through the crease between his belly and hips, then gives his fingers an exploratory sniff. “Sure you don’t want some under-gunt cheese? It’s nice and ripe.”
I run away like my life depends on it. Can’t risk a whiff of that goddamn under-gunt! Nasty!
(And oh yeah—Kent Wayne escapes again! Ha HA! :D)
Have you come face-to-face with a miserable excuse for a Dark Knight impostor? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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