I’ve hooked up with legions of eager soccer moms; each one has welcomed me into their bed with unabashed enthusiasm. I’ve never had to hold down a steady job, on account of their cash tips and my constant hard-on. (Man-Whores unite!) But now, I’m reaping the consequences of my freewheeling lifestyle.
Their douche-bro sons have taken over the world. Yeah—they’re not too happy with yours truly.
“HOLY HELL!” I scream, bicycling my arms and legs as I jump off the edge of an exploding oil tanker. Giant machine-guns thunder and roar, pelting the water with big-ass rounds.
I land heavily on my escape jet-ski—piloted by Bitefighter, my best friend and 10 lb. Terrier Extraordinaire—and tap him twice on his little doggy shoulder.
“GET US OUT OF HERE!”
He responds by giving me the middle finger (he hates it when I yell) and cutting a bumpy J-turn on a ten-foot wave. I cling to the side handles as we skip-skip-skip across the cresting water.
He responds in kind: “ARF BARK ROOF ROWF!” (You and your stupid penis—why did you widen these douche-bros’ moms? Open your magic eReader, you idiot, or we’ll never get out of here alive!)
What can I say? You don’t argue with Bitefighter. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Just as a drone buzzes by and fires a trio of hellfire missiles—WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH—Bitefighter arcs his little paws back and lets out a ferocious war cry.
“AAAAARRRFF!!!” His eyes fill with electric blaze; his paws glow with unheralded power.
Holy shit. He’s just tapped into the soul of Dog. (Kinda like the guy humans worship, only way less arbitrary and a lot more fun).
“ROWF!” Bitefighter flies off the jet-ski, an umbra of energy surrounding his body. He collides with all three missiles, exploding them mid-air—BOOM BOOM BOOM—but they fail to hurt him; he’s gone full-on Dragonball. He cuts a figure-eight in the blue ocean sky, then pauses in the air a hundred feet above, crackling with the fury of a thousand suns.
One of my douche-bro pursuers blurts a line from a shitty movie: “FIRE EVERYTHING!”
Guns and launchers blast away, pelting my godling dog with every form of ordnance known to man. It all explodes harmlessly on his quantum force-field. OH yeah!
The douche-bros abruptly change from murderous derps into terrified jerkoffs. Battleships turn their ponderous noses, bombers abandon their runs and fly off into the wide blue yonder.
Someone from the armada yells, “DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE—DAAAAAAMMMMNNN YOUUUU!!!”
Music to my ears! No one stops me from romping with Soccer Moms!
Kent Wayne wins again!
Are douche-bros trying to cockblock your sex-filled existence? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜 #Kindle #KindleUnlimited