Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Fascinating…I study my right index finger, globby with a nugget of my own snot.  Shall it go inside my toddler mouth?  Or should I adorn a chair with its gelatinous grace?  Perhaps I should go a different route, and anoint one of my fellow attendees with a green upper li—

Before I can decide on how to consecrate my surroundings, that thrice-damned daycare attendant snatches me up by my fleshy appendages.  AHHHH!!!  UNHAND ME, WOMAN!

That’s what I try to say.  But instead, what comes out is:  “GOO GA GABOO!”

“That’s not very nice,” she chides, using a hankie to pick the booger off my forefinger.  “You were trying to put that on Susie’s head, weren’t you?  That is NOT polite behavior, Kent!”

Fie on you, you hellspawn trollop!  When it comes to my finger and bodily secretions, I demand incontrovertible personal freedom!  How dare you—HOW DARE YOU!!!

“You’re getting a time out, Kenty-Kent.  Maybe if you’re good, I’ll get you a juice box and some graham crackers.  How does that sound, hmm?”

It sounds like bribery, you fascist gaslighter!  I rescind your offer!  Tell your imperialist wage-masters that I shan’t bow down to their sinister designs!  You hear me???  NEVER!!!!

Oh no!  She’s carrying me to the Time Out Pen!  Trying to indoctrinate me with her Gulag-enforced propaganda!

So I reach in my diaper and open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

All around me, Tonka trucks, speak-n-spells, and various components from toys and electronics begin to glow.  I stretch my tiny arms out as the light builds to a blinding peak, infusing each object with a vibratory hum.

“What the…”  My oppressor’s mouth drops open in utter astonishment.

Child-rearing apparatus fly toward me, linking together across my body.  In a matter of seconds, I’m clad in a fantastic shell of baby-proof plastics.  Thrusters jut from my calves and feet, a visor clunks down over my soft-haired skull.

I hiss, “Epsilon-phase Omega,” through gritted teeth, activating my war-suit’s white-hole core.

“Get me out of here.”


I blast off in a glittery wash of quantum exhaust, giving my Karen caretaker the middle finger as I slingshot away.  I’ll be back to exact my tiny vengeance—‘Ware my wrath, you autocratic tyrant!

Kent Wayne escapes again!  Ha HA!



Are authoritarian strongmen trying to punish you for exercising your god-given right to mucosal independence?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

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