After a gajillion hours of meditation and millions of grams of psychedelic mushrooms, here it comes—Ultimate Enlightenment!
Astral lightning blasts me from every direction, reaching deep in my chakras and transforming my soul at an incomprehensibly fundamental level. For a brief moment, I feel Existence opening, allowing me a glimpse of Transcendent Unity before changing me into…
I look at my hands, then at the mirror. What the hell?
I’ve turned into the Dude. Apparently, the Dude is the living embodiment of perfect enlightenment.
Suddenly, Martha Stewart crashes through the wall, hitting the floor in an anime-style crouch. She leaps to her feet and grabs me by the collar.
“Where the fuck is Kent??? WHERE????? I need his thick, upcurved, diamond-hard wiener!”
“I am Kent, man! Hands off the robe—this is like, my favorite evening-wear!”
Her eyes narrow. “Don’t toy with me, you goddamned Rasta. Kent Wayne isn’t a middle-aged stoner with shaggy pubes and a hauntingly pungent aura of BO. WHERE IS HE???”
“I told you, I’m—”
“Fine. If you won’t give me the copulation I so desperately need, I’ll take your anal virginity with my dildo claymore. That’s what Beta Males get!” She throws me to the ground and reaches behind her back, unsheathing a giant rubber dong-sword with her prison-hardened hand.
“No!” My eyes widen in terror. “Please—don’t!”
My plea falls on deaf ears. So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My slacker-stoner body transforms back into the muscle-cabled, psilocybin-filled hunk known as Kent Fucking Wayne.
“Hot damn!” Her eyes glisten with MILFY lust. She licks her lips in anticipatory delight. “There you are! Whip that upcurve out and let’s get to riding!”
Even though I’m a big-wienered athletic guy, Martha is still a force to be fucking reckoned with. I unzip my pants, fingers trembling, trying not to cry out of fear and shame.
This woman has built empires, successfully made a stand against the SEC, and conquered all who challenged her in federal prison. Sure, I’m gonna hit it, but at what cost?
AT. WHAT. COST????
*Musical climax from Requiem for a Dream*
Is a Food Network Goddess about to harsh your mellow with a four-foot dildo? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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