Here we go: Lockdown #2.
I’m bored as hell, dammit. Hmm, look at all these youngsters writing articles on the interwebs, espousing the joys of anal pleasure. Not really my thing, but…
What the hell.
The next few minutes are some of the most undignified moments in my entire life—I try to jerk it while rooting around in my butthole with my left index finger. Much to my dismay, nothing happens.
Those goddamn bloggers fucking lied to me. “Male g-spot” my violated ass. They were pranking me—fooling me into desecrating my own finger. The next dickhead who tells me I need to insert something into my butt is gonna get a left hook to their fucking—
Wait. Something just latched onto my—
“OOH HOO HA HA! I AM THE ASS DEMON KNOWN AS RUKH-YATAR! THIS FINGER IS MINE!”
“What?” My voice rises in panic. “No! Exit only, goddammit!” (well, from this day forward, anyway). I try to pull out, but it ain’t happening. My Ass Demon is slowly but surely reeling me in. One knuckle…two…two and a half…
My eyes widen in revelatory horror: he’s not gonna stop; I’m about to fist myself. Fuck, man—I like a tight butthole! I don’t wanna wear no adult diapers!
So with my other hand, I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Soccer Mom Prime busts through the wall like the goddamn Kool-Aid man. She anchors her Crossfit-hardened arms around my elbow, braces her feet against my back, and pulls with all of her considerable might.
My hand pops out with a slippery SHLOOP. We both go tumbling in opposite directions.
“Goddamn, Kent,” she wheezes, propping herself onto her elbows. “Next time you’re bored, gimme a call. I can always entertain your girthy wiener.”
I shrug in agreement. What can I say? If you leave me alone with an unexplored hole, I’m eventually gonna poke it.
And THAT, my friends, is why we need a vaccine! Motherfucking Ass Demons!
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