In another life, in a parallel dimension, I have eschewed my Man Whore body and writerly mind, incarnating instead as a goofy-ass Labrador. On Dog World, the inhabitants aren’t harried by plagues or injustice, but something far worse and way meaner:
Bitefighter—my best buddy, 93rd level intellect, and Terrier Extraordinaire—takes our badass interceptor into a dizzying barrel roll. Not-Dogs (admit it—it’s a great descriptor for those goddamn chihuahuas) and Cats stay right on our tail, firing lasers and missiles at us from their evil-looking Skiprays.
“BITEY!” I scream. “I’M GONNA HURL!”
“OPEN THE CANOPY, YOU 80-POUND IGNORAMUS!” Bitefighter screams back. He yanks the steering grips, pulling us up into a steep climb.
I key my controls–Boop-boop-be-doop!–causing our beta-amyloid enclosure to slide back into its sheath. Wind whips through our two-dog cockpit, fluttering and flapping Bitefighter’s lab coat (he’s hella smart so he always wears a little doggy lab coat, along with a pair of doggified goggles. Makes him look super cool when he’s writing equations on 20-foot blackboards, or welding white holes onto baby universes).
I throw my head back and let loose with a stream of vomit. “BLAAAARRRGH!” It splatters a dozen pursuers, coating their sensors in extra-chunky barf.
Bitefighter glances down at his cams, watching as Skiprays collide and explode. “You took out four of them! Great job, Kent!”
“Urrrgh…” I rub my belly in Big Dog dismay. “I don’t feel so good…”
“Well you’re about to feel a helluva lot worse. We’re gonna weaponize your nasty fucking butthole.”
My voice rises in alarm. “Wait—what do you mean? What are you—”
“They’re right on our ass, Kent! We have to do something!”
“I don’t understa—”
Before I can finish, he opens his eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“Bitefighter?” CLUNK-CHANK Ker-CLANK. Servos snap and click into place. “What did you just—”
SHOOOM! I go rocketing out of the interceptor at breakneck speed. A decelerant line unspools from my harness. As the craft speeds ahead and tautens the line—
—I scream in absolute terror, howling into the slipstream rush. My bowels lurch, rumble, and glurp.
Oh no. Big poops.
Pure Evil rips from my backside, coating our harriers in steaming feces. Cats and Not-Dogs curse and flee.
Well…it’s not the most dignified victory, but I guess it’ll do.
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Are you a big ol’ goofus, intent on living the Big Dog Life? Are those goddamn Not-Dogs and evil-eyed cats trying to harsh your mellow? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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