Here I go, scrolling through my FB feed. Ugh…what happened to all those jiu-jitsu instructionals and cute dog videos I used to watch?
Nowadays, all I see is bad news: killer viruses, hate and unrest, Karens (those are actually funny—I didn’t find out what that meant until a couple months ago, which shows I’m well on my way to becoming an old fogey).
Is this what it’s come to? A metaphorical buttfucking for the world at large? Just when we think we’re turning a corner, the cock withdraws, only to be replaced by a dreadful, calloused fist.
Are we facing down the beginning of the end?
Sigh. Whatever. Scroll, scroll, scroll…the negativity builds and builds, turning the cracks in our society into giant gaping chasms. Fuck it. I need a break.
So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A blast of lightning shoots down from above, arrowing into my third eye. Holy-crap-everything’s-turning-yellow-like-I-shotgunned-DMT-while-cumming-in-Martha-Stewa—
My thought-form goes flying out of my body, rocketing through the aether at the speed of intention. Before I can exit physical reality, a telepathic voice calls me back:
[KENT WAYNE! JUST WHERE IN THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING???] the Big Guy booms.
[Uh…uh…] I halt in the bleed, looking nervously around as I inhale through my teeth with an UH-oh expression. [It kinda sucks down there. Imma head over to the Enchanted Booty Forest and get back to having fun.]
[IT’S JUST A LITTLE SHAKEUP, DAMMIT! THINGS WILL GET BETTER IF YOU STICK AROUND!]
I shrug apologetically. [I’m sure they will, but right now, the Enchanted Booty Forest is calling my name.]
There’s a long, pregnant silence.
Then: [HMMM…BOOTY, YOU SAY? WHAT IF I CREATED A BOOTYFUL BEING CALLED SOCCER MOM PRIME? WOULD THAT ENTICE YOU TO STAY ON EARTH?]
Hot diggity! Two of my favorite qualities rolled into one: booty and soccer mom!
[You got yourself a deal, Big Guy! Send me back!]
And that was how Kent Wayne, Sci Fi Author and perennial Man Child, went from being a depressed Facebook scroller to a cheap piece of whore that was used and reused by Soccer Mom Prime, until nary a sperm swum in his ballsack.
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
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