After I get my daily dose of doom and gloom from the interwebs news, I flop down onto my stain-crusted futon and sigh heavily. This futon used to host happy Soccer Moms, moms who would enjoy my thick, upcurved wiener for countless hours whilst they bounced and ground and cried out in delight.
The world, just like my futon, has seen better days. Viruses. Riots. Hornets. Evil monkeys stealing said virus from researchers’ labs, ready to trigger an unforeseen chain of events where they would become hyper-intelligent and reenact a real-world version of a successful dystopian film franchise (this actually happened in India—as always, when faced with the choice to laugh or cry, I ended up laughing)
My only respite lies in sleep. But after I eat my spicy sausage dinner and drift off, my mind is plagued by unsettling dreams. Withered trees. A gloom-soaked wasteland. And for some reason, a turtle swimming into an aquarium wall, repeatedly butting its head against the glass. The glass cracks a little more with each strike, until water leaks out and the turtle’s head pokes through.
Murrghh…I roll over in bed, plagued by the knowledge that something is wrong.
Wasteland…turtle head…what does it mean…
OH NO! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!
I leap up and run for the bathroom, but it’s too fucking late. Pure evil spills from my backside, turning my slumber-born turtlehead into a filthy reality. The terrible fruits of my smelly ass spread across America, then the world.
The other piece of the puzzle falls into place: I have made this Earth into a godforsaken wasteland.
Those goddamn spicy sausages!
Fuck it. No options left. I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I’m instantly sucked into a magic portal. Seconds later, I find myself in the viridian expanse known as the Enchanted Booty Forest. Everywhere I look, Elven Soccer Moms are laughing and pillow fighting, dressed in scanty pieces of lingerie.
“Come on, Kent!” one of them yells. “Come join our sexually charged pillow fight!”
Hot DAMN! You don’t have to ask me twice! This is WAY better than viruses and riots and goddamn murder hornets!
Are you sick of this shitty-ass apocalypse? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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