We all crave it: True Novelty. And I, Kent Wayne, Well-Endowed Fantasy Explorer, have finally arrived at its hallowed doorstep.
The journey has been grueling. Gallons of fluids have passed my lips as I replenished the gametes that flew from my body. (which means I had to rehydrate all the frickin’ time because along the way, I was shooting a copious loads into Syrens, Nymphs, and a bevy of other super-charged sex-creatures). Indeed, if it wasn’t for a portable IV drip I acquired on the realm called “Earth,” I would have withered away long ago from the lack of electrolytes and saline fluids.
Now, after an epic trek across five dimensions and eight universes, I stop before a glimmering pool of indescribable radiance. Behold! The very essence of creativity itself, contained within a subterranean lake of mind-boggling proportions. I take a moment to close my eyes and inhale the vapors.
I approach the waters, ready to anoint myself in—
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” A pasty, micro-dicked figure jumps in front of me, blocking my way forward.
Oh SHIT! It’s Grammar Nazi Prime, cockblocker of all things creative!
“Out of my way, GNP,” I hiss. “I’ve fucked damn near every hole in the goddamn multiverse. I’m not going to let you stop me.”
“And there’s your conundrum!” he crows. “I have no interest in your upcurved, diamond-hard wiener! You have no power over me, Kent Wayne!”
Fuck. I’m half-dead from my intergalactic sexfest. There’s no way I can fight off a vindictive asshole who’s bent on punishing me for every improper sentence I’ve ever written.
So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My peen bursts from my pants in a thick coil of turgid flesh and gleaming dickhead. “WHO THREATENS MY MASTER???” Wiener roars.
“No!” GNP cries, shielding his face with his hands. “Don’t fuck me!”
“DON’T BE CRASS–I’M NOT A BARBARIAN!” Wiener scoffs. He coils in place like a pissed-off cobra. “I’M JUST GONNA PULL OFF YOUR LIMBS AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH!”
Then he surges forward, entangling GNP in a massive tangle of veiny flesh. A quick flex of his muscled length, and GNP’s legs and arms pop off like Thanksgiving wishbones.
“RUAHAHAHA!!!” Wiener guffaws as his different segments beat GNP’s limbless corpse with his own appendages. “THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR STIFLING NOVELTY!”
I wince and flinch as the beating continues. But like Wiener said—that’s what you get!
Have you traveled far and wide, and are now being threatened by a small-dicked Grammar Nazi? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀