Oh shit! Ain’t nothin’ better than being a giant-ass dragon, eating the fuck out of rando knights and taking big ol’ shits on noblemen’s castles! Every now and then, a bunch of adventurers try to take my stuff, but I fuck em up with smog and fire, or maybe a cone of frost +10, depending on my mood! Fuck those thieving assholes!
Right now I’m returning to my lair after winding down from an epic murder-fest where I razed an Orc village, battled some wizards, and face-fucked a hydra. (Facial times three, bitch!) Gonna crawl in my mountain and take a nap.
But as I enter my home, I smell an intruder. “FEE FI FO FUM!” I thunder. “WHO’S GONNA GET FLAME-FUCKED UP THEIR FLESHY LITTLE BUM?”
“Hey, Dragon!” a voice pipes up.
I look down and spot an Elven lady holding a crystal staff. It’s gem-tipped end blazes with light.
“The fuck you want?” I grumble. “You come all this way just to get eaten?”
“Nah bitch!” she spits (props for sassing me—she’s like a thousandth of my size). “I wanna get LAID!”
“Da fuq?” I snort. “You into some crazy bestiality shit? Sorry lady—not my style.”
“You’re not a dragon—not at heart!” she says. “Behold your true nature!” And then she whips out her magic eReader, opening it to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Oh SHIIIIITTT!!! I suddenly begin to shrink. My scales melt inward and my tail disappears. A second later, I’m sitting butt nekkid on my heap of treasure, staring disbelievingly at my muscled human body and my knee-knocking dong.
“That’s better.” She smiles. “See? You were meant to be Kent Wayne: Man Whore legend. You were meant to service horny Elven Soccer Moms, e.g. me. Now get yer cock over here and get to servicing!”
I consider for a second, then shrug in defeat. Who am I to argue? Servicing Elven Soccer Moms is the mothafuckin’ SHIT!
*70s porn music*
Need a break from being a reptilian murder machine? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀