I am a beaten man. A 20-year marriage has worn me down, reducing my penis to a tiny, stunted nub. My once-fecund scrotum is devoid of testicles; it hangs from my pelvis like a baggy flapjack. I can barely finance her craving for Container Store chotzkies, and I’m a complete failure in the diamond jewelry department.
“KENT!” Irma Horfendorff, my diamond-craving wife screams. “GET BACK TO WORK OR I’M GONNA NEUTER YOU EXTRA!”
“I don’t want to go to the office.” My voice quavers as I make my protest. “It hurts my will to live.”
She runs into the room and starts kicking my crotch. It only hurts a little—my balls are 95% dead. “GIMME SOME DIAMONDS! GIMME GIMME GIMME! GIBBAGRONKGERROO! GARBANOG-MCTHOO!”
Oh no! It’s finally happened—Irma has lapsed into her native language: complete and utter batshit nonsense!
She keeps kicking me. “YARBADONG DIBBLE! ROGGATHONG BERGOO!” I grunt with each strike, wincing as my balls die a little bit each time.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Gorillas and monkeys burst through the walls, gibbering and cawing like a bunch of crazies. Strangely enough, I can understand what they’re saying!
“Come with us, Kent! You were born to knuckle-walk and run around naked! Ditch this human and let’s get going!”
“Yes, bitch, YES!” I pound my chest as muscle bursts across my frame. My dong grows down to my knees, and my sack fills out with a new set of balls. “OOK OOK AWK!”
Monkey Man Kent no like Irma! Monkey Man Kent want to play with wiener and eat doritos! Irma yell as Monkey Man Kent escape out window—all hail Monkey Man Kent!
Ook ook AWK! BUCAWK!
(Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!)
Have you been saddled with a romance-terrorist, dead set on extracting your vitality so they can finance their craving for unnecessary bling? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀