Most of you have a Quarantine Nemesis. It might be a significant other who insists you become their personal maid. Maybe it’s a dog that doesn’t wanna walk, ’cos you’ve taken them out for the twentieth time in a single day.
Mine is my right hand.
I call it Deathstroke, and for good reason—it insists on beating my meat with unrelenting fervor, coaxing gallons of sperm from my terrified dick. I drink gallons of Gatorade every day in a desperate attempt to maintain my hydration, but it’s not enough. I’ve had to rig a wide-mouth, fast-flowing IV into my vein, so I can fuel my body with a nutrient-infused, electrolyte vita-mix.
It’s only a matter of time before The Hand wins out.
“No!” I sob, pounding my pud to my inexhaustible bank of Soccer Mom fantasies. “NO!”
“Ah God!” I cry, barely managing to avoid a blast of jizz that could have potentially taken my head off. “Curse my virility and bottomless manliness! DAMN YOU, COVID!!!”
My bruised penis begins to twitch and rise. A second later, it’s at full mast. My hand goes right back to work, working it like a ShakeWeight on steroids.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Steven Seagal busts through the wall, dressed in a tiny speedo with a rising sun emblazoned on the center. He rolls to a stop, springs to his feet, then flexes his moobies, making them dance to the beat of Staying Alive. My boner shrivels to a stunted nub. My nuts suck into my stomach and try to hide.
“What do you think of these, big boy?” he asks in his deadpan voice. “Want me to suck on ’em?”
I drop to my knees and clutch the air. “DAMN YOU COVID!!! DAAAAAAAAAMMMMNNNN YOU!!!!”
Maybe I saved my wiener, but at what cost???
AT. WHAT. COST???????
*Theme from Requiem for a Dream*
Is quarantine posing an existential threat to your over-pleasured genitals? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀