Who would’ve thought that Kent Wayne, freewheeling Man Whore and sci-fi author, would end up shackled to a desk in a Grammar Nazi internment camp?
Yep—I’m not proud of it, but they managed to lure me in by inviting me to a Soccer Mom bachelorette party. For the first few minutes they had me fooled—I’d shaken my booty for a bunch of gorgeous Container Store fans, but then they ripped their faces off Mission Impossible-style, revealing themselves to be thin-dicked Grammar Nazis, complete with receding hairline and muscle-devoid bodies. Before I could run, they’d cinched a black bag over my screaming face.
Fast forward three months later.
They make me slave away on soulless essays. I get a new red pen every day, but due to all the corrections and notes, I wear it down to a stunted nub. My once-mighty penis appears no larger than a bobbed gerbil tail. My pendulous balls have shrunk to the size of withered grape seeds. Christ, how do these people survive…their only sustenance is the pitiful rush of triumph they garner when they point out a misplaced apostrophe or improper use of the Oxford comma…
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Hemingway appears as a glowing Force-ghost, smiling benevolently at me. “You’ve forgotten who you are, Kent. You’re not one of these dickless geeks. You’re like me—a well-endowed author who knuckle-walks like an ape when he gets too excited.” He points his finger at the chain on my leg and zaps it with lightning. The circuitry-threaded lock clicks open. “There—much better. I’ve imbued you with enough energy to dump a world of pain onto your nutless captors.” He fades and disappears.
As I rise to my feet, my captors burst into my cell, shrieking at me in German accents. Panic hits me, but then I remember Hemingway’s words:
Dump a world of pain onto your nutless captors.
I yell, “SHERZOOM!” and summon a squat rack into existence. The Grammar Nazis recoil. At least one of them shits their pants.
“BERKOOBIES!” Medium-rare steaks!
“NOGYIBBERS!” Kettlebells! Batman symbols!
And now for the finishing blow: “YERDOOBENFLOOB!” A big sack of protein powder appears above them and—BOOF!—spontaneously explodes, scattering its muscle-building aminos all throughout the room. The Grammar Nazis burst into flames, screaming at the top of their cardio-deprived lungs. I run out of the cell, cackling with glee. HEH heh heh! Kent Wayne escapes again!
Have a gaggle of Grammarians chained you to a radiator and forced you to perpetuate their odious bitchiness? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀